Yesterday

Yesterday I woke up. Took Jack to Wendy's to get breakfast.

I sat around taking baths and flipping through iBooks with irritation. Wanted to go back to sleep, couldn't. Some things don't change. Got dressed. Drove to Luling, picked up Mom. Went to Gretna for the Food Truck Fest. Stopped at a Fleurty Girl. Got that doberge shirt I wanted. Parking was terrible. Anything worth eating required a long wait in line. Got a Philly cheesesteak that was mediocre. Left, decided to surprise Riley and Dad at BMX. Riley came in second, he's adorable in his gear. Dropped Mom off. Dropped some other stuff off. Came home. Watched some more of Don't Look Up. Sleep.

Woke up. Downloaded Steam to try that new Norco game. It's pretty cool but I don't have the attention span for it. Went to drop off Easter basket for Riley. Jack wouldn't stop cuddling Autum, it was cute. Went to Wendy's to get Jack and I breakfast. Finished Don't Look Up. Had the Van Gogh exhibit today. Very much not in the mood. Emailed them to get a refund, they will only give a voucher to reschedule. Whatever.

Found out some interesting (and altogether not too surprising) info about that dicklick that I used to call cousin (Scotty). Nanny went to go talk to his Aunt Cathy in Ama about some other family related matters and found out that the main reason Scotty doesn't speak to us anymore doesn't have so much to do with politics as he feels 'he is better than us.' He and Del bought some stupid expensive house on the lake in Slidell. Apparently we are not his only side of his family he is too high and mighty for, as he didn't want to invite 'those Ama people' to his housewarming party or whatever. Okay, you fat fucking shithead, let's go. Let's unpack this imaginary personal narrative you have for yourself: you apparently grew up on St. Charles Ave with a silver spoon in your mouth. Let‘s say, oh, your Daddy was King of Comus. Why not? Your Meemaw didn't take you in after your Mom rejected you for being gay. You didn't have the comfort and love and acceptance of this family for years of your life, no siree. We never let you be who you are, we never accepted your sexuality, hell, we forced you back in the closet, which, you might do well to remember, happens in that high society that you grew up in. Fuck, do you remember all those times we didn’t accept any of your boyfriends? We referred to them as “your friend” and sniffed and turned our heads at anything that challenged that view. They never sat at our table like equals, they weren‘t part of our family, and they sure as hell never came on vacation with us. We would never hear of it. Awful homophobes, we were. Are. Always have been. Do you remember when Meemaw told you to get the fuck out of her house when you came out? That was rough, man. So sorry. Remember when your Mom took you back in? Remember how every time we all got together, it was nothing but misery and hatred? Fucking tough break. We really fucked you over, didn’t we? You don't shit, piss or throw up like the rest of us peasants do. Not you. Never you, Scott N. Nolan, apparent descendent of Rockefellers, King of the Big Gay Cheese, Almighty God of New Orleans. You don’t have problems like the rest of us, oh no! Because you worked hard, right? Because you suffered SO MUCH. Because your supreme intelligence was the only catalyst to get where you are today. Stupid me. I didn’t realize you paid for all those years of schooling with money from your trust fund. All those times we went to Biloxi, I must have been imagining you there. You were surely in the Hamptons. My mistake. We must have never spent childhood together, us clad in rags and you in silk. We are mere peons next to you. Look at us, living in the ghetto, working at McDonalds. We are not worthy!

Dude, I don't know what fucked up version of reality you subscribe to, but- Fuck.you. I hope a fucking hurricane rips the goddamn roof off of your bougie ass fucking asshole cave . You came from Ama and you lived in a regular goddamn house, your father had a good job (so does mine and Autum’s, get the fuck over yourself) and you had a pretty good fucking life. You never spent a night out on the street thanks to Meemaw taking you in and you sure as hell didn't want for anything, because Dav, Autum, and I were at all the same birthdays, Christmases, Easters, and anything else and no one fucking shorted you or any of us. Our parents bought us cars. We had money. We went on vacations. We got to go where we wanted when we wanted. We weren’t rich, but we certainly weren’t goddamn poor. Our side of the family treated us all the same, so we weren't some fucking charity case next to you. Your fucking Dad wasn't perfect but he sprung for that fancy law school in Boston, drove you ALL the way up there in a Uhaul, and you fucking quit on it, then refused to speak to him for years. Not even when the man dies. You are extremely intelligent but you fail to remember where you came from which is a damn shame because without us you would not be where you are, and you know it and you can’t stand it, so you walk around thinking you’re hot shit, like you did it all by yourself, like you didn’t use your dad’s money to line the road you traveled on to get where you are. You used us.

It is terrifying that you actually teach young people because your morals should not be passed onto any generation, especially this one. You are a textbook narcissist, a coward of the highest order. A fucking loser jackass with severe delusions of grandeur and I hope karma slaps your inflated fucking head off your neck like a fucking welfare mother. I hope poor Del realizes he's with a narcissistic fuckhole and leaves your ass fucking flat, you Goodyear blimp. If you are laboring under some sort of misguided fantasy that we are jealous of you, let me tell you one thing: no amount of higher learning, diplomas, fancy houses on the lake, or amazing jobs in aviation nor academia will ever substitute for the basic goodness of the human spirit and family that keeps you honest. None of us envy you. We don't even talk about you. We don't miss you. We don’t give a fuck what you have. You know why?

Because you don’t have us, you fucking diaper clot of a human being. We are richer in things you have no currency for. And one day (soon, I hope) you will recognize that, because baby, it all comes back around.

Everybody's bill comes due.

-Rae