Who am I to keep you down?

I feel as if I only use this thing for complaining.

Haven't written much lately. Anxiety has been at an all time high and it's been all I can do to just get through the days. I've been going through Buspies like there's no tomorrow.

Nothing back from the job, but that's Ochsner for you-they take forever.

Several members of my family have suggested to me that I find someone to take care of me, because as they say it, life is hard and you can't do it alone. From a logical standpoint I can see their reasoning, but that seems like such an empty life to me, not to mention selfish and lonely. Life is hard as fuck but there's no point in getting oneself into a relationship just to be sure the rent is paid. We are not a logical species and we always want more than we have. It may feel good to have bills paid and a roof over your head but most people want love and everything that goes with it. Love scares the fuck out of me but I've been in relationships where I was lonely, and it was a hell of a lot worse than what I'm doing now. I don't want to waste anyone's time or use them for peace of mind. Peace of mind is a very precious commodity and God knows I'd love some, but I can't square away the idea of making someone else miserable and keeping them from something real.

I know whatever I'm destined for will take its time to get to me-big things always do. I'm okay with that. I'd rather have something later in life when I know I'm steady. Getting married young sounds romantic and all, but it's not practical and it almost never lasts.

I guess my brain is in survival mode and has cast everything else off to the side. If I don't survive I can't do anything else anyway.

My Aunt told me I have to swallow my pride sometimes and ask for help, because we all need it. I don't doubt that, and I know I have to stop with this whole having something to prove thing, because this has not been the best year for anyone to come onto their own. In the bad times, I tell myself I'm lucky not to have to worry about having a family to support, or my house going into foreclosure, hell, to have a job at all and to have made it this far. I'm lucky.

Despite all the circumstances that led me here, I have a feeling that this was supposed to happen, either way. No matter how I spent the last ten years or who I spent it with, this was always going to have to happen. I've learned a lot during these last two years, and made a fuck ton of mistakes, but no matter how bad things get, I don't want to have to ever use someone else as a stepping stone. I've seen it up close and personal. That's too big of a price for me. I don't intend on paying it. I didn't come this far and give up so much just to have to settle one day. I'm too hungry for that-I need too much excitement and adventure and won't accept just anyone to give it to me.

I know I have a lot to look forward to and more life to live, but right now it feels like I'm just trying to keep my boat from sinking.

This past weekend I didn't do much at all, just had Scott over and watched some Unsolved Mysteries and went to Mom's to eat lamb and hang out with the crew. Autum finally found someone worth a damn. At least he likes Star Wars. This weekend: Xmas shopping. I don't even want to think about XMas but I don't have a choice anyway, so fuck it.

I want to be in Bay St. Louis, Disneyworld, Gatlinburg, and my depression is telling me that I'll never get there again. Well, maybe BSL, but anywhere else...nada.

But, as they say, you never know what's coming for you.

-Rae

But we both know how,

How we're gonna make it work when it hurts

When you pick yourself up,

You get kicked to the dirt

Trying to make it work but

Man, these times are hard

-The Script