Traveled the universe twice

I've started a new project to keep me from going mad.

I've mentioned before in here that I've been reading old journals and whatnot, and how much young Rae has been teaching older Rae. The statute of limitations on heartache. The futility of wasting time and energy and anger on things that won't end up mattering fuck all in the long run. How long karma will incubate, bloom in different strains, and never when you want it but when and where it will thrive the most. It’s also reminded me how crucial it is to document. I read about folders of stuff I had destroyed or given away, picture CDs I destroyed, tapes that I foolishly lost track of. It makes the nostalgia whore inside of me sting with regret.

I never thought younger me would have anything to teach older me. I was wrong. I hope I continue to be wrong.

Most of these journals were typed because I had terrible handwriting (still do), and in bad shape. I've moved many times in my life and they didn't travel well between homes, so to prevent that and to preserve my tedious teenage ramblings, I've started to scan each entry in a separate journal online. This is time consuming and annoying work, since I started journaling full time in 2002, but every time I get tired of it, I remind myself of the lessons I'm learning. I hope to eventually get these entries printed in a book so I don't have to dig out five tattered notebooks and go through seven different blogs every time I need a good Come To Jesus. The journal I am posting this in is on another blog site and all posts are private.

I am also doing a lot of photo work, which is keeping my head busy. Keeping my head busy means that I'm not thinking of things or people that I do not want to think of right now.

I finished 13 Reasons Why and bawled my fucking eyes out. Probably not the best thing to be watching right now, but it's one of those shows that will bring you down no matter how good of a mood you're in, so I just got through it. There were times when I had to stop watching because it was that intense. Like, have any of these dumbass parents ever thought, "Gee, my kid is going absolute batshit crazy. Maybe I should take them away from this fucking environment for a few days?”

I called Sunlake while the 'storm' was rolling through and asked them when they planned on opening the pools. The girl said, "Oh, we took the padlocks off today." I said okay, yay, I can swim this weekend. Yesterday I ran errands and then came back, threw on my swimsuit, grabbed my bag, and moseyed on down to the pool. Padlocked. Went to the other one. Padlocked. Called Resident Services. "Oh, we never said that."

...bitch. Stop gaslighting.

Turns out they're waiting for the green light from the CDC to open up full time because evidently to open up right now, they need lifeguards (???? how is that going to stop a virus??) and I was just like "LOL ok whatevs."

Couldn't sleep last night and finally passed out around 5am. Woke up late and then threw some stuff together and went over to Autum's, where I hung out with her, Dad, Mom, Riley, and Nanny. We went swimming. Riley learned to swim, and Mom taught me how to make her super rich fettuccine. Dad wanted to go home so I ran Mom back home in my car, and I got home and watched the end of This Much Is True. Could have used some company but I need to start learning to deal with my shit and not run away from it. Hence all the projects, like a mental cigarette.

A came back to me last night. Quite unexpected, but much welcomed. I forgot how safe he is. He never hurts me. He never keeps secrets. He's been around since high school and he never uses other people to make me jealous. He never makes me question his fidelity, or makes me feel ashamed of the things I've given him to protect over the years. No matter the dumb and awful shit I’ve done, no matter that I’ve failed him countless times- he doesn’t hold it against me. He reminds me that if I can write about the love he selflessly gives to me, then I am capable of it, even when I fuck it up, sabotage it, or chase the wrong kind. Of course, A can love that way because he’s not real. He doesn’t have to look out for number one, doesn’t have to protect himself. I guess when I can look past my own fear, I’ll be able to follow his example. Easier said than done.

I'm always enough for him. Always. Full stop. No question. There's no danger of another girl, no need for new tricks, a new body, new moves. No matter how old I get, I‘ll always be his ideal.

I am not saying that real men haven’t made me feel that way before, but reality is reality and the honeymoon always ends. It’s just how people work. One of my exes once told me, ”You’re a ten. I just have to see if there’s an 11 out there.”

That being said, you’ll have to forgive me if I tend to be overly pragmatic about the rules of attraction. Seeing the baseball coming at my face isn’t going to make it hurt any less, but if I can brace myself for it, at least I don’t feel so fucking stupid.

Up next! Overwhelming guilt! Chocolate croissants from Trader Joe‘s! The annoying buzz of a Fall Out Boy song I can’t get out of my head! Chaos & entropy! Beans! Fuck!

And remember, kids-

the things you do out of loneliness can ruin your life.

-Rae

Say you needed this heart, then you got it

Turns out that it wasn't what you wanted

And we wouldn't let go and we lost it

Now I'm a goner

I want you out of my head

I want you out of my bedroom tonight

There's no way I can save you

'Cause I need to be saved, too

I'm no good at goodbyes.