Through it all

Slowly trying to reassemble things.

It feels as if a great tornado has swept through my brain and knocked all of my books off of my shelf. All my thoughts and fears and wants and needs, all thrown together on a dirty floor, pages missing or ripped. I am beginning to forget the correct way to organize them into a system that makes sense and getting even more tired of having to pick them up all over again. Every time I do, something gets lost in the mix.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know whether to chalk it up to hormones or the whole COVID thing, which my mom keeps insisting isn't real, or the fact that days melt into one another and my tech job doesn't feel real, even though the money gets deposited in my bank account like it always does. When I go back to Driftwood, we start working Saturdays, which would be okay if it were temporary and if it were a half day, but it isn't-they're mandatory and full days and once they get a taste of that money it'll be Saturday permanently. I really want to stay at my tech job through the month so I know I can go tubing but I don't think I'll get that lucky-they're already starting to talk about deployment back to the home offices. I guess it depends on whatever the Governor says this week about the stay at home order.

On Saturday afternoon I fell into a deep funk that I tried to tie to my hormones (being a girl can suck, fyi) but it didn't get any better, especially after I tried to run my dishwasher and found that some plastic forceps had fallen and fused itself to the hot coil, all the way in the back. I managed to get it straightened out but I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day, which is not normal for me. On Sunday I woke up and went to Sam's Club, then to Walmart, then ran home and got dressed, picked up food from McAllisters, and Jack and I went to Luling. Ate fancy cheese and hung out with Davlyn, Mom, Nanny, Autum, Riley, and Dad. Watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (love that movie) and then came home. Felt low the whole way home, frustrated as to why. I got HBO again because they made a miniseries out of one of my favorite Wally Lamb books, and the first episode was really good, so that's something to look forward to.

I managed to get a few things done this morning, like wash my sheets and take out my trash and take my medicine, but I'm so tired of feeling this way, like nothing ever gets done and stays done, frustrated that I don't have any control over the future, and confused as to what I feel. Terrified of love and all the ways it can lead you down a seemingly lovely road with a drop-off somewhere up ahead. Sid always used to describe our relationship as an 'investment', which I never liked, even though I knew where he was coming from and understand why someone would have a reason to describe it as such. I just never thought as another person as an investment. I thought of them as a hope. Maybe that's just how our female/male brains think of things. I always thought of myself as being sure about things, knowing where my heart was, but I'm scared of 'investing' so much time and energy and love into someone, even if I want to, even if they deserve it, because in my head, if it's not going to work out, why even try? I know that's not a great way to look at things, and there's no way in hell anyone can say for certain whether or not something will pan out, but I thought I had forever, and the dumbest fucking thing ever stopped it. That's how goddamn petty this life can be. So maybe it makes me a coward, but the idea of doing it all over again is enough to make me go celibate. I know better, though. I know things change, have to change, will change, whether I am ready or not. I was in my mid twenties when I met Sid, direction-less, reckless, with time to burn, but I am not that girl anymore. I know I feel like a coward, and just because I left and got an apartment and all that doesn't mean squat. It's not bravery if you don't have a choice. It's bravery if you don't let yourself be crushed under all of it, and I've let myself be crushed many times. Maybe I'm not good at forgiving myself to be human. Maybe it's in my nature to never roll with the punches, to always know the next move. All I know is, is that my heart wants something that my brain knows it's not ready for, and trying to separate those two things is like trying to break up a fight between two equally strong opponents.

This is a time of great unknowing, and I know that with everything in the balance it is almost impossible to get a foothold, so the best thing I can do is to wait until the dust settles.

-Rae