The sky in Colorado....

I didn't get but an hour of sleep last night, I am literally falling asleep at my desk. This week doesn't seem to want to let me go.

Did my bills last night and yikessss...something's got to give. Need to finish up the book for Granny and wake up early Saturday and just knock all the shopping out. I've said it before, I'll say it again-Christmas needs to get over and done with.

I've been having thoughts of Gatlinburg again and they're doing their best to drag me down, but I'm tick deep into survival mode and I'm not letting it drag me down right now, not when I'm on my way up. It manifests into such a physical ache that I have to force myself to remember that long drive and how I could certainly never do it on my own and even if I did, traveling that far alone would be stupid as shit. And then I remember the wildness of it, the utter difference between where I am now and waterfalls and creeks and the whirlwind of leaves and the feeling of waking up early before the light comes up and sleeping in a room with the door open so I can see the day wash over the trees. The smell of Gatlinburg, sharp and clean and new. It always felt like a new beginning, a time out from whatever was plaguing me or us at the time. I always felt safe there. When I remember all of that, my stomach clenches and my throat closes up and looking at pictures of it is like someone crumpling my heart up like a piece of construction paper. Tennessee will always remind me of the life before this one and to go there alone or even with someone else would offend something deep and primal in me. Some places are a home for a different time and that's where Gatlinburg always is, for me. I can't feel sorry or regret it. It was never mine to begin with, it was given and shared with me, so I can't claim it as my own and/or give it to someone else.

Wix is fucking up Satori but I'm not even bothering to fix it, no one visits it and I'm not spending any more time on it. If I'm being petty, I don't give a fuck. The amount of hours I've lost on that thing is incomprehensible. The only time I ever see Satori being relevant is when we're all old as fuck and going down from dementia and need to be reminded and we're not there yet.

Whee, I'm cranky.

When I get home, I'm taking Jack out, taking a bath, grabbing my repression blanket and pillow and passing out on couch.

-Rae