The great alone

Want. Want. Want.

I want this, and I want that. I want all the things on my Amazon list. Want more money, more time, more clarity. Just want.

And those, I find, are the easy things.

I want you to call me because you miss the sound of my voice. I want to answer, so I can hear yours. I want to be useful, brave, focused. I want dynamite shrimp, honeybee gouda, a croissant jambon fromage from the Les Halles Boulangerie-Patisserie at Disneyworld. I want people to stop loitering in the goddamn aisles at Walmart. I want to go to bed and wake up and know where the fuck I’m at. I want to look at the numbers go up and I want the reason to be you.

(ten today, who knows)

I want you to stop bubbling out of the laboratory of my soul and for the love of Christ I want A to come back and knock down a wall in this box I find myself in. But there’s nothing I can do to bring him back. Someone once told me that by the time you have to do CPR, it’s too late. My hands hurt. No amount of ”Stayin Alive” can bring him back.

I want so much and my cup is full of things I need. I want more than just these heavy things, more than just the basics. I want more than survival. I am a very wanting girl.

but

most of all I just don’t want to be alone in my want.

don’t we all want that too?