I'm not good with people.
I never have been. As a kid, I'd rather read and hole up in my room and write. Never had good luck with friends, especially girl best friends. Never really found people I could relate to until I got to high school and there was the Table and then there was the Group and then there was Raceland and then HCC. When I became friends with Tee and everyone else in high school, I became more sociable, more outgoing, more loud. That continued up until I met Sid, and then I adopted his antisocial ways. It took awhile. A long while, in fact, but when you live with someone long enough, you can't help it. When HCC was formed I kind of put myself as the person who scheduled a lot of the events, though at the beginning Connor and Cody and Holly hosted a lot of the parties. After awhile people started doing their own thing, meeting their soon to be spouses, getting better jobs, getting better houses/apartments, and our time together began its inevitable dwindling. I didn't like that. I had these stupid visions we'd always be young and stupid, but there's no stopping the march of time. The house parties became much fewer and far between, especially when people started getting married and pregnant and drinking ourselves into a stupor wasn't as fun anymore and the consequences of our actions began to lean in ways that none of us really had the time or energy for. I'm not gonna lie, I got tired of doing the events. I got tired of planning and planning and having it fall through. Tubing was what broke me. I stopped, but I've always been a sucker for a lost cause because I still fucking do it, obviously. Though, I have to say, attendance is getting better. I think that's because everyone is finally finding a place to settle.
But now I have the cave. Sid gave me the cave, a lovely black hole of nothing. No responsibilities. No one to answer to. Just me, my books, my dog, my TV, whatever the fuck else I wanna do. I do not think going into my cave is selfish. I never will. I don't care if I have to go into it every other week, though I hope I don't. I know you can't be in there all the time.
I need the cave because apparently I'm not good at telling people 'no'. I'm not good at telling people to give me room. I'm not good at telling people that their wants and their needs pile up and I just can't handle it anymore. It may seem like I do, because I do tell people no, I do request cave time, but most of the time when I say these things, I am trying as hard as I can to be nice about it, but inside, I am having a panic attack. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, especially these days. It's hard enough just to survive, and that goes for anyone. A lot of people need a sounding board, a shoulder to lean on, someone who gets it. I'm no different. I lean on others sometimes, but generally I try to deal with my shit myself, because nobody can usually fix it but me and in the end all of our problems are our own responsibility. I am not saying my way is the best way, because God knows sometimes I wish someone else knew what to do, but I can't help what I am. I don't think I'm better than anyone for it, either. I also don't have a significant other or husband to share my troubles with. That part hasn't really bothered me much. I can miss someone. I can get restless and bored of my own company at some point (which always yanks me out of the cave sooner then I probably need, I have a horrible addiction to stimulation) but needing someone, really needing them, being incapable of being alone, not enjoying time by myself, I just don't have that problem. I don't want that problem.
I'm not good at many things, but I am good at giving advice. I read a lot of books, a lot of Dear Abby. I do like to help people. I am also pretty resourceful, and I like making good of those resources so people CAN help themselves. In almost every job I've had since I was a young adult, I've been put in the position of training people, and I show them what to do, and then I cut them loose. I don't want to solve people's problems for them, you don't learn that way, so I point them down the road. Some people pretend not to see the road. This deliberate helplessness DRIVES ME FUCKING NUTS. Why do some people have to figure everything out and the others get to be led all their lives? Pull your goddamn weight.
So when I say I want my cave, and even when I announce it on FB, people ignore it. Sometimes they ignore it fully since they need something, and other times they're just checking up on me, but I've been fooled by a 'hey just checking on you' message before, and then I get sucked into their whirlpool of issues. And I know I need therapy for this, but when someone has a problem, a part of me always makes me feel like they're making it my problem. I know this isn't true. Sometimes people just want to vent, not necessarily to ask for opinions or advice. And look, I need to reinforce my boundaries, because it's hard for me to ignore someone who needs help. So I help, but after awhile of all this, it gets to feel like the ship is going down and I am trying to swim for shore but people who can't swim keep grabbing onto me and holding me under the water. It's not just one particular person, either, but the sum of all of it...I get so panicked that I throw them off, I dive, I head for the darkest pocket of water where they can't find me. I cut loose. I don't seem to like anyone needing me too much. Maybe it's just the accumulation over all these years, maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I'm just a fucking asshole, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. Maybe all this above that you just read sounds like I'm being a martyr, but you cannot live people's lives for them. You can't be the only egg in their basket. You can't be their sole excuse for existing, the only reason they better themselves. You can't always be the one person who answers every time they IM. That's a lesson I'm still trying to learn. If I were a martyr, I wouldn't have these boundaries. I wouldn't disappear. I wouldn't believe in a little bit of selfishness. I like to help, but it doesn't mean everyone can pick me dry. I'm not a martyr. I just know what I see. Everyone has always told me I'm the 'head' of the group, a title I don't really want, but I definitely feel it. Sometimes it feels like an honor. Sometimes it makes me want to run away.
Just because people cannot bear being alone, it does not mean you have to give up your anatomy and your desire for quiet and time for yourself. You can't give up the things you want to do and the time for yourself just because it makes them uncomfortable or upset or left out. Too much pressure. Way too much pressure. So when my wishes for some space aren't being respected or listened to, yes, I get angry, and I have a temper. Yes, I say some fucked up shit, because you get tired, man. You get tired of having to be nice. You get tired of having to apologize that you need to take a goddamn breath every once in awhile. You get tired of people freaking out because all you want is some goddamn alone time and they think you're leaving their life forever and you have to reassure them over and over until you WANT to leave forever. You get tired of being made to feel like a dickhead just because you want to hang out with different people for awhile. You get tired of the speculation of them wondering what exactly you do when you're alone because of their trust issues when all you're fucking doing is eating pepperoni in the tub and reading the same book for the millionth time. You get tired being made to feel responsible for every piece of pain they go through or guilty for every time they say they can't get by simply because they don't know how to handle worrying about themselves for once . You get tired of someone not understanding that your needs are different from theirs and that they will not change. You get tired of it. IT IS NOT A FEDERAL CRIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF. IT IS NOT. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONSTANTLY WAIT ON SOMEONE ELSE TO VALIDATE YOUR EXISTENCE. YOU DON'T. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY. THAT IS A DRUG. THAT IS A HIGH SCHOOL CONSTRUCT. WE ARE NOT HIGH SCHOOLERS. THAT BOAT SAILED TWENTY GODDAMN YEARS AGO.
So yes, maybe I run. Maybe this looks like cowardice through another person's eyes. But I will not drown myself because someone else did not bother to learn how to swim. I will not feel sorry for trying to save myself. I will not feel sorry for the things I want to do, or the time I want. I will not feel bad for ignoring IMs when I can't take anymore. I am not the only person in the world to IM. I am not the only person in the world, PERIOD.
I am not saying that I will always be like this. You can't run from everyone your whole life, and you can't put up walls against everyone who wants to know you. This world is a hard and cold road and going it alone is a bitch. Even I don't want that. It's insanity. It doesn't mean, however, you have to be with people 24/7/365. You never learn to swim on your own. You never know how to float. You have to learn all that before you help another person to shore, and they have to kick their feet. They have to move their arms. They have to do SOMETHING. Because you get tired. You go under.
The trick is finding someone who, when the ship is going down, can swim to meet you, can grab your hand, and help each other to shore without pulling each other under.
I'm not going away forever. I'm not going to stop talking to people forever. I just. want. some. fucking. time. without. the. guilt. trip. and. the. what am I going to do. and. the. passive. aggressive. bullshit.
And the don't you remember, and why are you doing this, and don't you realize this, this, and this? Yes. I remember. I remember a great deal of things. Do I realize things? Yeah, I realize things. Do I see what you're saying? Yeah, I see what you're saying. But I have my own point of view, and my own realizations, and my own remembrances. And I get to have them. I don't even know how to reply anymore because it's the same defense, over and over again. And while these remembrances mean a great deal to me, it doesn't change the fact that they shouldn't be used as a weapon, or Jesus, even a manipulation tactic. It's been said a thousand times. Let it be, before the memories have a bad tint to them. What does bludgeoning me over the head with it accomplish, besides make me guilty, frustrated, and resentful? You have to give people and relationships room to breathe.
I don't want to lose my friendships with people. I don't want to get wary every time I speak to them. I want to help people when they need help. I don't like saying things like this. I don't like getting frustrated and angry. I don't want to be an asshole. Nor do I want to be an ungrateful asshole, because when I have a problem and I go to these people, they help me in the same way I help them. But the learned helplessness, I can't take it. I can't help someone who won't and can't help themselves. I have little patience for people who wallow, and even less for people who wallow for attention and take advantage. I have even less respect for people who use their troubles to get something from me that I don't want to give. That I don't have to give.
I guess that's all, until next time.