Standing in line

I can't remember how to change the font on this goddamn thing.

So, as far as this blog/photo project goes, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew. This is a tremendous undertaking that keeps getting bigger and bigger and I feel overwhelmed. More with the photos then the blog, which is not as daunting. Type entry, date it, post. Consult DJ, post. Find picture that relates. Post. Check Pixxibook to make sure it looks okay. The only problem with the blog project is that I am currently in August of 2003, which is when my parents were supposedly splitting up (they threatened to many times, but never actually did) and my home life was very, very stressful. Not that my home life was ever really un-stressful, but over the years I've either forgotten how much or blocked it out or rationalized it and came to peace with it. I was pretty wrapped up in my disastrous love life so any home issues took a backseat unless it was really bad. I was never home anyway. There were whole consecutive weeks in the summer when my parents would barely see me because they didn't really put too many limits on me. I know it's all over and done with now but reading how bad it was at home kinda made me a little fucked up.

My TV shit the bed last week for no goddamn reason. It worked but the screen had a line at the top (super annoying) and it would start to distort and turn off randomly. It's been around for seven years so I guess it was time. I was not happy because my overtime is limited right now and the next few weeks/months is going to be super effing busy. Well, I found a way. It was hard but I did it. Thankfully, things worked out so I'm not too much in debt from it. Nice 50" that will serve me well enough.

Had to go to L-Town yesterday AM to pick up something, and it's been a minute so I stopped at Tee's to shoot the shit, since I haven't seen her since before my birthday. Her inlaws were in town but she was gracious enough to sit with me and shoot the bull like always. When I told her about my project and how it's starting to mess me up a little and how maybe I shouldn't be doing it, she told me maybe it was good that I was facing it. I don't know-what good could it do now? That was a long time ago. My parents are still together by some small miracle, and while being with my family isn't exactly calm and harmonious, it is nowhere NEAR the bullshit it was when I was a kid. Plus, I don't live with them. But, I've started this, and I want to see how it looks. Maybe it's okay if it fucks me up a little, because I know how it ends up. For a second I thought maybe a lot of that has to do with my commitment phobia. Even as a teenager I documented that I never, ever wanted to be in that kind of marriage. I still don't. If it is one of the reasons, it is buried deep in my subconscious.

I have an addiction to the past. Even Tee said that I've always had my eye on the rearview mirror and not what's ahead of me. I always chalked up my interest in the past to the fact that I am a photographer, and I love collecting moments and experiences. When I look at old photos, I usually don't think, 'Oh, my heart was so broken there' or 'God, my parents were being shitheads at that time'. No, I just see what I see. And every picture makes me want to take another one. Sometimes when a picture of Tyler comes across the screen, it will remind me, but not in a negative way. I destroyed a lot of his old pictures years ago so I don't see them very often. When I'm not looking at photos and I remember that time, yes, I wouldn't want to ever go back to 2002-2004 except maybe to kick myself in the ass. What I didn't realize, and what is ultimately keeping me going on this project, is that I forgot how much fun I had, despite everything else. Reading about the things I did with the Groupies and with Michi and that whole clan makes me smile. It definitely makes me rethink my youth in a much more positive way. I used to just think of my adolescence being nothing but pain and bitterness and betrayal. No, it was much more then that. It feels good to come to terms with it.

I do, however, need to go back to therapy. I think I'm tired of just surviving. I think I'm ready to thrive. I'm pretty sure she is not going to like my whole 'exploring the past' thing, but at least when I'm busy with these projects, I'm not being anxious. It also keeps me from spending money I don't have. Sometimes I have to tear myself away from my computer because I know I need to sleep. Most times I want to go back and STRANGLE myself for being so disorganized. I didn't want to go back to my therapist without results but I think I need some help. I'm not in any sort of dire emotional distress, but after I went to her a few times, she really helped me see that I'm not as incapable or stupid as I thought I was. For the first time, someone said, 'You have a good head on your shoulders. You're doing great.' I mean I'm sure someone else has said that to me before, but it's something to hear from someone who doesn't know you, isn't biased, isn't afraid of telling you the truth. Ever since she told me that, I trust myself a little more. I'm a lot less anxious. I probably sound like that person, but I am beginning to think that everybody needs a round with a good therapist in their lives. I wish I would have done it a lot sooner.

I think my fear of commitment comes from a reluctance to invest my heart and time. After everything over these past few years, I am afraid to let the universe fuck me over. Tee told me that I can't be afraid of doing something just because there's a chance it won't work out. That's true in all things except for taxes and death. Don't get me wrong-I am human. I do want...you know. I'm just not sure how to accept it as it is, with the possibility of an expiration date. If I were younger I'm sure I wouldn't be this uptight about it. I wish I could just jump.

Andddd I'm currently on hold with Ochsner Mental Health.

In less heavy news, tubing this weekend, psyched as fuckkkk. Me, Lacey, Scott, Tyler, Holly, Zack, the gays, and maybe my sister and David will be there. After that is Oddities on the 26th and then Riley's bday at White Sands (Tee might come, she thinks she has a family event there that day too) and then Lindsey Stirling at the Saenger. As usual, my wallet is gasping but I'm excited. After tubing we're planning on going to 2nd & Charles and then Steak & Shake as tradition dictates. Hopefully no one dies on the river this time around.

Going do some dishes so I can make dinner tonight. Going to Driftwood when I get off to help Karen with some portal stuff. It'll be fun to see my Driftwood friends.

Later tater haters

RAe