somewhere I belong.

I read another book by that woman, Suann Laqueur, An Exaltation of Larks.

The Man I Love will always be my favorite, but this one also echoed some voices, voices that have been emerging out of the grass.

The book is about a great many things, such as an uprising in Chile and then September 11th, but there's a part in it about a married couple who are very happy and satisfied with one another. Someone from the past comes bubbling up in their life in circumstances that seem too strange to be anything else but fate. One night, after getting drunk, they entertain a threesome fantasy. It gets super hot, and it bakes the situation until there are scents rising that endanger everything they have built.

There are slips, an almost betrayal. At the end of the book, they work it out. Every year of their marriage, they have always written down a pledge for their relationship:

"I want to stay faithful to you this year."

Not a promise. Not a vow. This allows everyone to be human. Wanting to be faithful despite all of the temptations that lie outside is a realistic goal. Recognizing each other as humans who are susceptible to outside crushes and influences, I know that allowance. I also know what it feels like to invite the presence of someone else into your bed, and then they never leave. I remember the moment I couldn't do it anymore because I was scared of not being enough. Or maybe my idea of love is too antiquated and precious for 2020, and that’s what one must do to keep their relationship exciting. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to work beyond one night of drunken heat. What is born in the dark does not always stay there.

The husband in the book admits that he wants his wife, but at that moment, he wants more than her. Honesty-it will set you free, but there’s always a point of no return. There’s only so much honesty you can give someone before they never want to look at you again. And there’s only so many times you can allow yourself to be touched while wondering if they’re really touching another.

At the end of the book, they're writing their pledges.

"I want to stay faithful to you this year. This year, it's hard."

I have to start packing.

-Rae