Rumblings

This COVID shit is really like fire. My sister, Nanny, Davlyn, and both of my parents have it.

My Aunt Patti has COVID and double pneumonia and was in the ICU at St. Charles but thankfully she's getting better, and my Uncle (other side of the family) who also has COVID and had a stroke is out of ICU and in inpatient rehab. I thought I was going to be insane from not being able to taste things but last night I took some PM Tussin and knocked the hell out and today I can actually taste and smell things and my cough has noticeably decreased.

Got some bad news about a close friend's family member and right now 2021 isn't really living up to the hype.

I must have taken 15 baths between Friday and now and a little while ago I got to thinking about Gatlinburg and had to mentally bitch slap myself. It went away, but even more disturbing is that Psycho Rae in my head is starting to wonder if a solo trip is actually possible. I mean, Brittany did it all the time, and if I get a hotel room in the middle it wouldn't be so bad, would it? I mean, people drive across country and go overseas by themselves, what's a 10 hour trip? Of course I wouldn't do it now because I can't drive in snow, but it's a thought. I need to be on that long winding road to Cherokee, I need to be able to pull to the side and look at those mountains. A part of me wants to take it back, but it was never mine to begin with, and I'm afraid for my mental well-being if I go up there. Gatlinburg is one thing but I can't go anywhere near that Red Roof Inn in Chattanooga. I just can't. That place is like the Upside Down for me. Plus, Gatlinburg isn't really a place you go 'alone'. One half of me is afraid that if I get up there it'll be too much and I won't have the strength to come back down, and the other half is afraid that I'll get up there and never want to come back down.

I can't even think about it without getting worked up, so that plan is going back into the drawer until I figure some shit out. But one thing is for sure: the mountains are calling to me, and they're a bitch to ignore. It definitely makes me confused, all these feelings about this one stupid place.

I'm gonna go attempt to cook something and watch some Stranger Things (had to take a break from the L Word, there's enough estrogen flying around in here) and try not to think about that Place. I’m sure that’s why all this is on my mind right now anyway. Hormones.

-Rae