reaction

Eminem once said, it's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great, I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane...

But he also said, when it's bad, it's awful.

Find a spot in a parking lot or something; this is a long one. And I'll take it down after a few days, even though no one ever reads this but you, occasionally. You don't even have to read it if you don't want to; I just want it out of me.

I've always thought it was nice that we were still close, that we still had each other in our lives, because I've lived for the past eleven years with you as a constant, and I wouldn't throw that away to be greedy or petty. I love you deeply, always, no matter what I may say or do or how I act, even though I've hurt you and you've hurt me, and I wish I wouldn't have snapped off at you yesterday the way I did. I've been knowing you long enough to know how you respond when backed into a corner, you get defensive and angry and we're very alike in that respect. I'll be the first to say that I still have things I'm angry at you for, and I am extremely sure you have things you're angry with me for, too. At the heart of it, I think we're still in each other's lives because no matter our anger or little grudges, we ultimately know each other well enough to know that our anger gets the better of our characters. We still have a lot of emotions between us, and I know that despite our closeness, we still haven't scratched the surface of all the things we want to say to each other but can't because at some point, there's no coming back. At the heart of it, I think we both feel guilt about the end of our relationship, me for leaving, and you, maybe, for the life I've had to get used to as a result of leaving. I also think that there's a fair amount of bitterness, me for having to leave at all, and you for being left.

I may be many things. I may be impulsive, and over-emotional, and have a rather annoying knack of having fits of pique like yesterday morning, but I am not greedy. I don't beg you to pay my bills, my gas, my every day expenses, even though you've offered, and while it's extremely generous and sweet, It's never about money with me. We had each other when we had nothing. We lived in that shitty ass apartment and we were so happy. I was so happy. (Contrary to popular belief, I am capable of happiness). What did I always tell you? I'd give anything to go back to Jaubert and have nothing, no TN, no cruises, no nothing, if we could have had that back. All alone at the back of a lonely road, scrounging quarters to rob the vending machines in the middle of the night, losing bacon and somehow enjoying the hell out of ourselves on our scant salary. Before that gun got fired out of a chamber, before biology and time caught up with us.

But if you can actually sit there and think that I did this because I had all my ducks in a row, you do not know me at all. If you really think I'd use you for Jack's surgery, or for my TV, or anything else, we have come a very far way from where we were, and that makes me really think about what our future could have been. If you really think I'd be so petty as to just say I don't need you anymore because I have a fucking TV and our dog's tooth is fixed. As for the TV, we agreed a YEAR AGO that you'd take it and handle the last few payments so you wouldn't be without one, and I was perfectly happy with my little one. You were the one always concerned that I was stuck with a little TV. I never put a fucking rush on you for that thing, and you know it. And our dog's tooth? Yeah, I totally planned that. I totally wanted Jack's tooth to crack and cause him agonizing pain and have to call you all the way out from your job to come and take care of him and get you to take a sudden unexpected windfall of $200, a number you came up with, NOT ME. LOVE DOING THAT SHIT. And if you really think for a second that I do-

you don't know me, at all.

And that makes me feel like I don't know you.

Maybe I didn't handle it well yesterday morning, and I should have chosen my words much more carefully, and it certainly wasn't the best case of timing, either. I stayed up until 3am on Monday morning tossing and turning and trying to come to grips on it and worrying about Jack. I sure as hell did not wake up planning to talk to you about all of this, and especially not the way I did it, but, since I did-telling you I wanted to give back the lightsaber and camera seems silly now; I guess I felt guilty about the $200 and how I had no choice but to take it, and to tell you the truth, there's a lot of confusion and fear on my part about you, our future, our past, and how muddled it seemed to be getting, and how accepting your help made it even more confusing. It's one of the many reasons I wanted to try for a new job, so I could assume these unexpected costs so you wouldn't feel the need to offer. If it wouldn’t have been Jack’s health in the balance, I would have not accepted. I tried to get a payday loan so I wouldn't have to put you out, but it didn't work. I even tried to get another one from a different company after we had our disagreement to pay you back, but that didn't work, either. I agree completely with you that it was bad timing. I wanted this to be the last thing I ever had to take from you and in some strange way thought that giving back the things you gave me would help, like maybe you could sell the camera or something if you really needed it. I love the camera, but if you sacrificed something for me and for Jack's safety and well-being, I figured I should, as well. I also told you maybe it was time we moved on, probably because of my guilt and the fact that one of these days I was going to have to watch you do it anyway, and giving you back your stuff was a way of me trying to accept that. It may be a skewed sort of logic, but then again, girl brain.

So you told me to either tell you Jack's diagnosis, or keep it to myself. In other words, shut the fuck up, I guess.

Maybe I'm the only one thinking this much into it, especially now, but ever since we talked about it a few weeks ago, I’ve been thinking-what if we did decide to “make it work”, in your words? What if I agreed to your terms, especially with all my misgivings about her, and that choice ended up making a total fool of me? What if I moved out of here and gave everything up and in the end it turned out that you decided you still needed something more that I couldn’t give, that we didn’t explore this separation to it’s fullest, that we were simply trying to kill our loneliness? What if I couldn’t help but to feel suspicious every time your phone went off, when you went off to hang out with her? The way you ‘care’ about her wouldn't just suddenly disappear once we got back together, human beings just don't work that way, and despite the fact that you once said not long ago that we were meant to be together, I think you would have always wondered 'what if'. What if I punished you constantly for things we could have easily avoided, and you get tired of it, and end up stuck with me again? We could have the best of intentions, and try our damndest, and hell, maybe it could work, we certainly have gained perspective on what it's like to be apart. But you used to tell me to follow the logic tree, and the logic tree leads me to the fact that I would be totally fucked if we didn't work out. It's not your fault, but your circumstances are a lot different then mine. I have to think about that, even if it doesn't say much for my degree of faith in us. With all of these doubts, none of which reflected well on either of us, I felt even worse about all the things you've given me so freely. You'd probably say that's my problem to work through, that you aren't keeping count.

All that being said-aren't you?

It is kind of fucked up when you offer someone your help and throw it back in their face that they owe you, knowing good and goddamn well that if they had the money, they wouldn't have needed to take it from you in the first place, or reimburse you on the spot while your dog is having five teeth yanked from his mouth. It's nice to know that the things you do for me suddenly have hidden prices attached. If I would have known that, I would have never taken anything from you. I never thought you'd do that to me, but hey, we're learning new and different things about each other all the time. If I would have been thinking a bit clearer yesterday morning, I could have told you that I, at least, didn't want this space to last forever, whether it ended in friendship or something more. But I don't know now-why would you want someone who uses you, because that's apparently what I do. Did your ex-wife offer to pay you back anything she took from you? No? I didn't think so. Did I ever steal money from you after accepting your help? No, I didn't think so. Did I ever not thank you, not express my appreciation, not try to do little things to say I treasure your assistance? If I would have had cash in hand I would have given it to you, and odds are you would have probably told me to keep it. I am extremely willing to help you out with anything you might need. If you need your taxes done, I'll do it, if you need comic books, I'll find them, if you need me to watch Optimus, I'll watch him, if you want stuff from Disney, I will happily bring it back for you, an offer that still stands, by the way. Whatever is in my power to make your life a little easier, I would do.

I have a spreadsheet on my computer with your name on it with names, dates, and amounts, and I'm about to start adding to it again. I may not be able to pay all of it back at once, but goddamn it, it will get paid. But, you guilt tripping me about the debt you went into trying to ease me into this new life? Cheap shot. That was YOUR decision, one I would not have taken if I knew you were going to throw it in my face a year later. And I'm not exactly debt free myself, either. Thirteen thousand dollars in the fucking hole for a choice I never wanted to fucking make. But did I ever throw that at you?

YOU. OFFERED. TO. HELP. ME. NOT ONCE. NOT TWICE. FREQUENTLY. YOU ’FORGAVE’ MY DEBT, something I’ve never felt comfortable with AND told you as such, but you insisted, and judging from today, it feels like that debt was only forgiven with the proviso that we’d reunite one day. Please correct me if I’m wrong. However, I’m sure you’ve made the resolution to never help me again, but I wouldn’t take it anyway, so I guess we’re even. In the end, how far are we willing to go in order to make ourselves look like the good guy? Does it mean more than our friendship, our relationship, our respect for one another? Just as my ill-timed proposal from yesterday morning caused you to reconsider my motives, your lightning quick reaction was to throw your assistance in my face, and that caused me to question yours. I guess we're at a detente; I guess we both shoot to kill when we're angry at each other. Maybe we're toxic for each other now; maybe we're just hurt and unwilling to get hurt any further. What kills the worst is how we've gotten to this point. What hurts is that we used to be two people who used to get excited on the way home just to see each other and had eyes for no one else, and now we're two people who still love each other but don't know where to go or how to trust each other again. And it's a goddamn fucking shame. I don't know if I'll ever forgive the universe for the circumstances that caused us to lose each other. I guess I will have to eventually, or it will drive me spare.

Deep down, one of my darkest fears is that you and I have caused each other enough damage to where we’re too scared to be with other people, so we run to what’s familiar. That is a natural instinct, not something we would intentionally set out to do. My other darkest fear, and one you will most certainly deny-is that being with me has become a case of if you can’t love the one you want, love the one you’re with. However, I have no doubt that you love me, or else you wouldn’t have helped me all this time, and stuck by me all these years, but you can love, or be attracted, to more than one person at a time. It's usually beyond our control. Despite whatever you may think, you're human like the rest of us, and you're not immune to it. I've been guilty of being attracted to others too, and the line between getting attracted due to loneliness and attraction due to actual chemistry can get extremely blurred if one is not careful. And it’s this kind of exhausting and character maligning paranoia that causes me to rethink things. I’ve learned the hard way this year that it is deathly tedious and emotionally draining to have to constantly reassure someone over and over again. I’m really tired of doing that to you.

So go ahead, be mad, tell me I'm playing a victim, talk shit about me to your little 'friend'.

However I may feel about her, I do remind myself that she only ever gets one side of the story, so I'm willing to bet that she has no idea that we had that conversation a few weeks ago. Just do yourself a favor-deal with your denial, because it's not fooling anyone. It didn't fool any of those idiots you used to work with at the jail from the very beginning, so it sure as hell isn't fooling me. Maybe it’s not love, but it’s not something I feel that I can compete against, and I'm not letting it make a fool of me any more.

-Rae

PS: By the way, bringing up my little flirtation with Connor ten years ago is like bringing a knife made of jello to a gunfight. It’s nowhere near the same thing, and you know it. Know why? Because that ended ten years ago, almost as quickly as ‘it’ began (not that ‘it’ ever was really anything besides a few flirtatious compliments; the man is happily married with a lovely little girl. Remember? I eagerly and willingly stood in their wedding. You were there.) while this is still going on, and it’ll keep going on until that itch gets scratched. And sooner or later, no matter if a person has a fiance or a family or not, especially if they're unhappy, it's gonna get scratched. It's called human nature, and no one, not even you, not even her, is exempt from it.