Patient zero

I have 25 patients today.

Twenty five out of what is usually 160.

Add that to the fact that I currently have nothing to do and the things that I could do have to last me all day (and the fact that other people are given things to do which makes them inherently more valuable) I'm about 160% sure I'm going to get deployed when we learn the end game on Friday. The option to stay at home is not an option, seeing as though I only have 2 weeks of PTO, and unemployment won't be enough to keep me on my feet. I feel useless, freaked out, paranoid, and lonely. At least my department is doing all we can to keep us paid, and when all this is over we're going to be rocking and rolling, but this uncertainty about the future is giving me knots in my stomach. They're not deploying us to anywhere where we would have an elevated risk of exposure (ED, ICU, hospitals in general, etc) but I know better than to think I'm essential enough for them to keep me here at the clinic. You go away for almost two weeks while a pandemic washes over your home state, and you lose some standing.

At least my cough is better-that's a definite good thing.

Today they're supposed to be coming to look at my AC because it's hot as fuck right now and since this is expected to go on for awhile, Jack & I can't live like this. It's not advisable to go to anyone else's house right now, and since I work directly with patients, I'm not a desirable houseguest at the moment. Lacey created a chat with Angie, Tee, Monica, Crystal, and Emily, and of course HCC Chat is still going on and doing video chats every night, but the isolation and the worry is definitely starting to get to me.

My natural reaction to worry, stress, loneliness and depression is to self isolate, so...yeah...that's just gonna make it worse because that's what I'm actually supposed to be doing.

Last night there was some drama on FB regarding a political post and I'm just over it, man. Things are hard enough without looking for fights or being petty or ugly. I'm not interested in it and I don't think it's funny, cute, amusing or edgy, and we have more pressing things to concern ourselves with rather than getting in some stupid immature tangle on Facebook. People need to learn to use their fucking words, man.

If this goes on for about 6-8 more weeks (work wise, that's what we're looking at, judging from my meeting this morning) and we're isolated for that long, I'm afraid of what it's going to come to. Are we all going to end up as the Torrances, trapped in the Overlook? Or the people in the Stand? My imagination is running away with me so I'm trying not to read stuff like that.

When I'm lonely, I'm never lonely for just anyone. If I'm depressed, I turn to A. Right now, A is hard to reach. While A has served his part as being someone to lean on (despite his lack of aliveness) I know that if I don't watch out I'm going to lose my grip on reality if I lean on him too hard.

My hours have changed and therefore I'll be staying until 4:30 on my short day and we get out at noon on Friday. Thank God my GPT replenishes at 8 hours every time I get paid or else this would not be good.

Now I have to go find a way to make one hour's worth of work last until 6pm.

-Rae