only God knows why.

Last night I had a weird dream where I got caught up in something and forgot to clock in for my tech job. I didn't get much sleep last night and currently falling asleep in my chair with my mic on.

I ordered some more Relax Bears because they did work pretty well at Disney as far as keeping me calm and right now I definitely need calm because I woke up with my stomach all twisted into a knot. Despite the knowledge that some things have changed, in a way they feel like they haven't, and once again I find myself feeling lost and confused. My gut reaction is to do an extreme isolate but I really can't get any more isolated than I already am with a work-from-home job and a stay in place order, and if there's one person who I'm sick of, it's definitely me.

Sons of Anarchy has been doing a good job of keeping my brain distracted, and with my Trump money I got myself a weighted blanket, which feels awesome. I also got Treme so when I'm done with SOA, I can watch that again. Mmmm, but Charlie Hunnam is so nice to look at. It seems surreal that I actually met him.

All I want to do is climb into my freshly washed sheets and go back to bed but I'm on the job till 5 and really it's not that hard-actually, it's a fucking pot of gold. Despite the fact that most people have no idea what their phones are capable of, it's a dream job. Jack is not going to like when I go back to work. Hell, I'm not going to like going back to work. By the time everything opens up, I'm going to have to work harder at masking my facial expressions; I'll be as bad as Lacey. I know I should get back into chat and respond to messages but I don't feel like doing the Explanation Tour right now.

Getting back to myself is the goal but now that I'm actually on that road I have no idea how to go about it. I feel as if I am being tugged by other influences and it's confusing and that's why my gut reaction is to totally isolate, but I know me and how bored and anxious I get and I know that if I'm not careful, I will fall straight down into a rabbit hole. I'm afraid of that rabbit hole getting so deep that I have no way to get back out. I should have gone to the cemetery this past weekend but I just can't bring myself to do it. This weekend, I swear to God, I have to.

The silver lining is that old Rae would have been drunk this entire time, or at least trying to drink all this away, but strangely the liquor doesn't pull me in the way it used to. I can take it or leave it and if I do have a drink it's only about two shots to get me warm and loose and then I can put it away. It's a relief because the last thing I need to be is getting shitfaced and hung over all the time.

I miss A and I wish he would lodge himself in my brain and not let me go because at least when he's there, I can go somewhere else. I may need to read some more Suann Laqueur and bring him back, because losing myself in a world I can control seems like a good way to help myself.

I want to take some Buspies but I'm sleepy enough so I guess I'll try to write in my Life Ruining journal.

-Rae