I'm not in the best mood today.
Fighting a low to mid-level of annoyance. Awhile ago, it was quite higher than that.
I do not understand what the hell is so wrong about holding someone to their word.
I do not understand what the hell is so wrong about trusting someone to say they're going to do what they're going to do. Flakiness seems to be considered a positive personality trait these days. Newsflash: it's not. It's a disrespectful habit.
I understand things happen. Life is that way. But when it keeps happening, one can only wonder if it's really circumstances beyond one's control or if they're being lied to/dodged. And if someone is lying to/dodging me, my messages, or my attempts to hang out with them, I start thinking they no longer want to be my friend. And if they no longer want to be my friend and they're making it quite known (and pretty rudely, at that) then I have to say to myself, "Why am I friends with this person? When they deliberately go out of their way to avoid me?" I guess there's no reason. So, what should I do?
It's a shame. It sucks. It hurts. Considering I didn't flake on this person. Considering I was always there for them, and I never told them numerous times, "Not to change the subject, but..." Considering when they needed my companionship or company, I never acted like it was too much or it was a chore.
I know I can be intense. I know I can be exhausting because I never rest. I get that. I've been trying to find ways to be okay with being lazy. It's not easy. I think I react in direct opposition to however someone is acting around me, i.e. if they're being lazy, I have to be productive, because if the two of us are lazy, nothing gets done. When I am alone (mostly) I am pretty good at lying around and reading, but only if I've been productive before. In my head, laziness must be earned. In my head, why could one afford to be lazy when there's so much to keep track of and do? I guess I'm really Dianne's daughter. She was like that when I was younger.
I brought this up to my therapist, when I was seeing her last year. She told me, "What's wrong with being active?" I told her, "Well, sometimes I want to be okay with sitting down and watching TV on a Saturday, but my brain won't let me." She said, "Enjoy your life however you want to." So that's what I'm doing. If that means I'm exhausting, whatever. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'd rather go out and do things and see things then be stuck in my room all the goddamn time, baked out of my goddamn mind, letting life pass me by because I'm too thin skinned to deal with it. I am happy being productive. I am happy being active. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for it. I refuse to feel guilty for holding people to their word. If you don't want to do something, don't tell someone you want to, say "Yeah, let's do that" or "I'll be there." It's not a hard concept. Nobody holds anyone to anything these days and they wonder why friendships wither on the vine. When someone tells me we're going to do something, especially months in advance when they've had time to get their shit together (because presumably we're all adults, and I say presumably with quite a bit of irony) and then backs out at the last minute, it's infuriating and disrespectful. It's not funny or cute or quirky or 'it's just how I am.' No, if that's how you are, you're rude and disrespectful of others' time and energy. If you can't get your shit together and you're so flaky that you can't commit to anything, then don't.
Adulthood isn't for you, maybe. And by the way, there's only so many times you can claim your period. And for me, a woman, to say that, should tell you something.
I understand social anxiety. Trust me, there was a long period of time I'd not go to things or 'disappear' from parties because social anxiety is a bitch. But when people did that to me or pulled out on me, it hurt, and after a certain amount of time of being an hypocrite, I decided I wouldn't do that to people. So I don't, if I can absolutely help it.
But to be deliberately ignored by someone I care about, someone I thought I'd finally found a best friend in because they get annoyed that I want to hang out and do things with them (when really all they're mad at is the fact that I'm pulling them away from a certain habit) then that's fine. I don't need to deal with shit like that. I'm a good friend. I don't deserve that crap. I will find other people who don't go out of their way to make me feel like I'm being an asshole for wanting to spend time with them.
So yes, I did what I had to do. I don't feel sorry about it. I feel sad. There's a marked difference. I've had some really bad experiences with 'best friends' over the years, and I used to brag that I finally found a good one. I'm not entirely innocent, but I wouldn't have done this.
So even it makes me a hard person to be friends with, I don't give a shit. If holding people to their word is really that bad of a quality, I don't know what world we're living in, but I'm not compromising on it. It is not wrong to have standards. I wish this person the best. I hope they can find someone who aligns with their lifestyle. I hope that someone doesn't sit on a shelf in a smoke shop, either.
And, not to change the subject, but...
I'm out.
Rae