It's NYE and I'm sitting here scared at home.
What am I scared of? Sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I do know. Not sure if that's better or worse. I haven't been anxious like this for awhile, not since the hurricane at least, and at least there was a reason for that. I'm talking about the horrible awful vulnerability that I used to have before therapy. A terrible itching in my heart. Walking around with a knot in my throat that I couldn't name, just a shitty premonition that something, somewhere, was wrong or going to be wrong. I worked hard at getting rid at that knot and it's back now, a diamond, a rock, a round razor.
I want to be around people but I know what I look like and I don't want the worrying and I don't want to have to tell people over and over again that I am fine. I mean, it's not exactly a lie. I'm better than I was. Physically, you know. It's still not how I want to live but it's a damn sight better then two weeks ago, when I wanted to die.
Emotionally I'm a wreck but I have no plans on hurting myself. I never really did. I just wanted that agony to stop. I wasn't lying when I told the stupid shrink at Ochsner that I was unhappy because my body was betraying me, not because I was unhappy with my life. I wouldn't ever call myself Susie Sunshine, but I keep myself busy. I have hobbies, projects, interests, a busy social life. I hate the hospital and I still went and when I told the truth about what hurt, I got isolated and locked up and gaslighted. When they released me back to my mother I spent that whole Christmas weekend crying in bathrooms, my apartment, my car, isolated aisles at Target and Walmart, telling myself I was okay, why was I crying? It was over. I had better stop it. I didn't want pity, that was never what I wanted and it doesn't last long anyway, so chill the fuck out, man.
It's not over.
I have to hang on until the 11th, which is my follow up with the new MD. I have to beg them to give me Ativan or Torodol or something that lets me get through whatever it is I have to get through to come out on the other side of this. I am scared that they won't. I'm more scared of that then I'm scared of food. And somehow I have to get through con, which is a weekend I look forward to all year, but I am dreading it like a trip to the DMV.
I'm not a crier and I am so goddamn tired of doing it. I get angry instead, angry at myself, because it doesn't help and it doesn't change anything and it certainly doesn't help me physically, that's for sure. My therapist would not like that I am blaming myself. "They" want me to go back to therapy. I probably need to but after those few days at Ochsner with "them" I am wary of admitting anything to anyone. I'll admit things to my aunt, because she knows what I mean when I lose my grip, but anyone else, I'm wary.
The logical part of me knows things will probably go back to what they were, though things have been bad since Mardi Gras. Every time my family talks about my issue they say "since September" which is not accurate, it's just the last time I was admitted. It's been since March 1 and if that doesn't entitle me to go insane then I don't know what does. But I'm not.
Going to go insane.
I can't. I haven't so far. Damn sure not going to do it now.
I'm just going to read my books and sniff my oil diffuser and take my pills (the right pills, the good ones) and endless baths and let myself get emotional if I need to because there's just no stopping it at this point and I'm tired of trying. Maybe if I get it all out it'll be over. Maybe that stupid vulnerability will go away and I can be me again. I know what the vulnerability is.
It's me waiting for the pain to come. I'm waiting for it right now. I said fuck it this morning and made eggs and they were delicious and last time I did that, it was not a good scene. That was at 11am and I'm still waiting, though technically it probably should have hit me by now. I know better, though. It takes a long time for it to hit, and I'm not sure if that's a curse or a blessing anymore or if it's because I took two 800mg Ibuprofen and because I did, I can't trust being pain free right now.
I am scared and lonely right now, but not forever.
Happy New Year.