Haven't written in a minute. Life has been tumultuous.
I am happy to report, at least, that my 7lb dog isn't holding me hostage anymore. I can now go about my business without worrying that he's barking the whole place down. I can't tell you what a relief that is, even though it's a process to get him set up. It's a small price to pay for freedom, though. It takes a lot of stress off my shoulders.
Other then that, it's been a lot of trips to Lush, a lot of binging Big Love (again) and trying to navigate my photos. I bought an external CD drive for my laptop but it doesn't read the discs, so I sent it back. I was a bit worried that I had fucked up my discs by using this special cleaner that I ordered, but they work on Mom's computer, so that's a relief. May have to buy a more expensive CD drive when I can. Going to Luling to copy photos isn't very efficient. Work has been a pain in the dick, but it's a little better now. Who knows what it will be like in September?
We had a party at Mom's on Saturday for a joint birthday thing for Uncle Scott & David. Mom made scrambled hamburger, which was great. Had chocolate Chantilly cake, which was really good. It was fun.
The other night I got hit by this huge asteroid of depression. A few people left chat and suddenly I can't look at my photos anymore because it's finally, finally happening-we are really, truly growing apart. COVID just sped it up. I try to tell myself to not be such a baby about it, but I've been taking pictures of my friends since 2001. That's twenty years of having a purpose, of building a collection. I know it might sound crazy, but I've always felt it was my duty to do it. People seemed to like me doing it. But now, with everyone busy and Delta raging, it feels like my cameras are going to be sitting on my shelf for awhile. It makes me feel lost, like what am I, if I'm not doing that? I don't like feeling purposeless.
On the other hand, like my therapist says (har har har) I can't keep looking at the past. Tee told me that too. I've always looked back. Right now people don't want to look back. Maybe when we're older and everyone's kids are out of the nest and we have nothing to do, Satori will become relevant again, but right now it's simply not, because most of us are in the honey of our lives. I've been toying with the idea of shutting it down again but if I do that I feel petty and I'm too old for these games. No one gives a shit either way.
Yeah, that was mature.
This round of COVID is taking a bigger toll on me than the first one. The first one was an inconvenience but it got me working at home and I am not afraid to spend time in my own company, so it was okay. Now, I'm tired of it and I want to do things, see people. Everyone's too busy with their own shit, and I keep telling myself it's not my job to keep us all together. I'm too tired to do that, and anyway, people's priorities are what they are. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand it because I don't want what they want, but it's not about me. I wish Sunlake didn't have this stupid parking shit so I can have people over. There are ways around it but it's a pain in the dick, and besides, I'm done with creating events. Not doing that shit to myself again.
They cancelled Beignet Fest, but then again, I knew they would. Right now the only social thing on the horizon is Megan's wedding, and that's not until the end of October. I don't know what will happen between now and then, but I hope this feeling eases. It might never go away, but I don't like feeling this useless. With all of the nastiness on Facebook with anti-maskers and stuff, some of it from my own family, it's not fun to get online. Most people would delete Facebook but I'm not letting people chase me off. It's called the hide button, and I use it.
Now that I have freedom my weekends look a lot better. I've been wanting to go to the cemetery but it's simply too fucking hot out there.
I guess I'll write when I write.
Rae