It ends tonight

Ugghhh, I am one sore ketchup packet. No wonder I was so out of sorts Saturday morning. Hormones were a'brewin.

Somehow in my vast arsenal of abilities I managed to twist or bang my knee last night in my sleep because it hurts like hell. After I clock out I may sit in the back and put some heat on it. When I go back to my apartment I'm getting back in bed. Bryan and Scott are still there.

Tubing was fun, def low key, Bryan almost died twice. I got pretty burnt, especially on my neck. Had a nervous breakdown on the way up there. I suppose I've been feeling quite out of control lately and I just wanted to be able to handle one fucking day of details. I still feel a current of anxiety going through me, and I'm out of Relax Bears. I find that doing photo-work calms me down because it's such an involved process that I can't really allow my mind to wander off, so I'm gonna try to do that when I feel out of control. When we got back to my place from tubing and after I had taken a shower and gotten into bed, I had myself a good stress cry and felt a lot better. Being a girl sucks.

I wrote another piece for TC, it's being reviewed right now. I definitely feel like I understand myself a little better after writing it, if nothing else, I feel like I've got a way to justify what I'm feeling towards this particular person without being frustrated about it. It's just an emotion; I may have to feel it right now, but I sure as fuck don't have to sing and dance for it, and it's not the mere fact that I'm feeling, it's WHAT I'm feeling for this person that matters. Creating distinctions like that helps me not be so angry at myself for something that I can't help. I guess the only way to explain it is being an alcoholic, and being senselessly drawn to the bottle, but knowing it's bad for me anyway. I hate the absolute need for it, telling myself, "I don't want this" every time I drink. A part of me does, evidently, but I don't want to listen to that part. Am I doth protesting again? I'm sorry.

I want to go back to bed.

-Rae