If you leave...

I’ve been flying around in a tornado of Get 'Er Done all weekend. Gopro was sold. The tree is up. The presents are bought and prepared. Food in the fridge. Nails painted. Floor is vacuumed. Drawers cleaned out. I took my synthroid and a blue pill for energy and by 9:30am I was in line at Trader Joe's. Five different stores and a home cooked meal later, both Jack and I had been bathed and squeaky clean. I brought Dani some Pepto pills and visited with her at the hotel for awhile. Came home, did laundry. Read a really good book and watched a documentary about the Royal Family.

And yet, ever since getting home from the hotel I’ve been careening slowly into a very intense uneasiness. There's an extremely high level of vulnerability, like I want to hide in my closet under ten pounds of blankets. I don’t know if it’s the blue pill or what but I haven’t stopped all day and now that I have, I feel like I’m losing it.

Who am I kidding? Even with the new job there’s no guarantee I can stay here. why am I bothering with this whole “winter cleaning/fire sale” bullshit?

I‘m not going to be able to sleep tonight.

I feel like I’ve just come out of anesthesia and I might throw up.

time for buspies and a long self cuddle.