If I had a voice I'd sing

Surrounded by blood and muscle, can a heart dry up? Because that's what it feels like mine is doing.

I've tried to stop it before it goes too far. I keep telling myself that if I keep hardening myself like this, I'll never let anything good in, and I don't exactly have the benefit of youth on my side anymore. But my heart doesn't listen. It's closed down shop, hung a sign on the outer muscle. It says "OUT OF OFFICE, TALK TO THE BRAIN!"

And my brain says, "You have no time for that. You have to figure out how to get through the next few months. We can't afford emotional involvement."

It's a decision that seems that I have little to do with. As much as I try to tell myself to enjoy things as they come, I can't just rest on my laurels while everything is so up in the air.

Renfaire in a few weeks but I can't bring myself to get excited about it. My dumb ass miscounted and scheduled it on a week I don't get paid, so unless I finagle my way into some over time, there's not much use in getting excited about it until I see how things go. I still have to find a way to buy Xmas presents this check PLUS a birthday present for Dad. If something doesn't give in the job department, I'm screwed. Katie leaves soon, which abandons me to training two people for the front plus all my regular duties, and I just know that I'm going to end up fucked. We're supposed to buddy up and she didn't even sit with her new hire yesterday. Mine is sweet and picks up on things quick, at least.

I've started distancing myself from my apartment. I'm trying to tell my brain that it's just a place we're living, and not home, but it's easier said than done. It's difficult to let go of a place you work your ass off to keep, especially the first place you ever held on your own. I'm not buying anything new for it. If I have to walk away, I'd rather not have more shit to haul down those stairs.

You ever get so tired of trying to figure shit out that you just stop giving a fuck? While there is a nest of anxiety inside of me, most of the time I'm just numbly saying to myself, "Fuck it" because the energy to give a fuck is nonexistent. I'm just going day to day, which would usually go against the grain but now it's the only thing I can bring myself to do.

In GOOD news, I finally managed to find a good duplicate finder for Mac and found a fuck-ton of shit. I have a lot of renaming and redating to do, plus a redownload onto my portable hard drive, but thank God I check in everywhere I go and write about most of the things I do, or else finding these dates would be impossible. I may try to get this done this weekend, since I am trying to conserve money and not doing much. Found two new great lomography apps too, but cannot really do much with them until I get the dispensable funds to buy lenses. I love Hipstamatic, but sometimes you need a new take.

I just want to go back to the apartment and get into bed.

Rae