I'm your Superman, I'm here to rescue you.

I forgot how ridiculous Eminem's music could be.

My brain feels like a huge snarl of wire and thread and when things are like that I can't deal with the future, so I run to the past. At least I know how that turns out. When I say the past, I mean, like 2002, 2003, digging out actual notebooks kind of shit. Like I said in my blog a few days ago, I shudder when I think about how much I let myself bleed in front of people. It's a miracle Tee and Brad are still my friends. Maybe it’s dumb, but I guess I read those over because I want to remind myself that I can get through things. If I got through that, if I survived moving out on my own, if I managed to keep my head above water these past few years, I can do anything. Jesus, I can‘t tempt the universe like that.

Reading back on these entries, I wish I could go back and tell 2003 Rae that one day she'd be hanging out with Tyler with no problem on tubing trips and parties. I bet that little bitch would look at me as if I had gone clean out of my mind. That shit hurt like fucking mad, and I forgot how up and down it was. Of course, I don't harbor any ill-will to Tyler anymore. We were kids and we did our own share of fucking with each other, but I think that whole experience gave me some serious phobias of guys fucking with me.

Then again, I'm not the most emotionally stable person right now, and I'm afraid of hurting people I care about because I can't keep a grip on what I want and what I need. Maybe this is how Tyler felt all those years ago. Maybe I'm getting my just deserves.

Maybe it has nothing to do with karma and just how life is playing out right now.

The more time goes on, the more I'm afraid that I'll never be brave enough to try with someone else. It feels like I've given out way too much, and the idea of giving anything else to anyone makes me want to erect a compound around my heart. I was bored and doing surveys the other day and it asked me about getting married. I typed, "It's not in the cards for me." Jesus, I can't even imagine living with someone right now. Getting married? Being linked to someone like that, when anything can go wrong and you're even more obligated to make it work? What if the other person doesn't wanna try? It's like attempting to climb Everest without a Sherpa.

When I think about myself back in high school, my memory paints me as a pathetic, emo doormat. I was pretty pathetic, and god knows I was an emo, but I forgot that I didn't go down without a fight. If someone pissed me off, I let them have it. And despite how weak I thought I was, I still kept going. I had enough bravery to say goodbye to you-know-who. I had enough nerve in me to leave LaPlace. I have a lot more balls than I let myself remember, but I'm afraid that nerve is going to run out, that I'm going to get tired of swimming against this current and let it sweep me away to a dark place.

I believe we all pay a certain amount of dues in this life, amount unknown, whether we deserve it or not. What we pay is our lesson, and if we don't learn it the first time around, the universe makes us pay it over and over again until we run out of fucks.

I don't want to be bankrupt anymore, but I need whatever I have left.

In other less emo news-I got some Diazepam and whoa mama-talk about relaxatiiiiion. I don't have many so I'm saving them for the days when I'm climbing the fucking walls. My plans for this weekend involve cleaning, swimming, and relaxing and burrowing deep in a hole. Off Monday.

Jesus Christ. "Be Like That" just came on.

That used to be me and Tyler's song. Lol, oh, nostalgia.