I hope it gives you hell

The seratonin highway has many bumps today.

I got my gift in to myself, which was a drone. Was really excited about it, but we'll get to that later.

Apparently there's a 2nd & Charles in Houma, and Scott had been there with his Mom and said it was much more packed (with stuff) then the Northshore one, so after I got off on Monday, we took a trip out there. Man, it was weird being out that way, especially since I'm at the point in my old journals where I was dating Rodney and riding 90 back and forth every day. Houma hasn't changed much-went to the Southland Mall to visit FYE but they were closed (fucking corona) and went into Spencers where I found an awesome shirt that said SHUT UP KAREN. Didn't buy it though, got other things to do.

Went to 2nd & Charles and tried to hunt down that cemetery symbols book but they didn't have it. Ate at Texas Roadhouse. Went home.

My drone was there when I got home, weee! Unboxed it...and didn't have the best impression of it. It got a lot of great reviews on Amazon but when I took it downstairs to fly it, it nearly fucking decapitated me. No matter where I tried to point it or however far I got away from it, the damn thing came after me, would not respond to controls. Yeah, sooo...back in the box it went. UPS is picking it up. I has a very big sad. I guess after you see what a Mavic can do, you're kinda spoiled, but I'm terrified to fly that thing.

I guess it's time for some good yet boring news-Capital One has been charging me interest out the wazoo. Downloaded Cushion and that thing got me back $170 in fees. Also, my credit score shot up. Which is good, I guess.

I really need some therapy. Can't exactly do it right now with my hours being what they are, and really can't afford it, especially since I'm getting no OT. I keep slipping and slipping and it keeps getting harder to claw myself back to functioning mode. The worst part is that I can't articulate what I'm feeling because I don't know what I'm feeling, and even if I could, what is anyone else going to do about it? I'm not in any danger of hurting myself (that's so seventh grade) but I know my isolation is damaging. I really need to get back to the cemetery, back to photography. My brain keeps asking me what's the point, but I'm not really interested in the lies that dumb thing keeps trying to tell me. I don't have the time or the money to let this anxiety try to choke me from getting shit done.

I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling is that I'm standing on a piece of ice and I'm watching myself float further and further away from land, away from everything I know. Out here with killer whales and stupid fucking penguins. I'm not ready to lose sight of land yet, but it seems I have no choice. I can't stay stationary forever, but I am absolutely terrified of what's out there, which is why I guess I'm clinging so hard to the past. I've never been afraid of my future like this. I was always excited for it, but...that was a different time. I know this won't last forever, or at least I hope it won't. No matter what's going down, the world spins madly on.

I think this mood is largely in part due to a chemical imbalance and I'm trying not to put too much stock into it. Apart from being a teenager and having my hormones have spaz fits every fifteen minutes I can't ever remember a time when my emotions were so up and down like this.

Dani came over Saturday night and we hung out and drank wine and talked shit for awhile. It was nice to see mah Danipants.

On Father's Day I went to Luling and hung out with the Rat Pack and ate McAllisters.

Getting a braketag this weekend. After I get oil change I need to book a haircut for Jack. He looks rough and it's getting too hot for all that hair. I used to feel good when I was getting shit done, crossing things off a list, but I don't get that feeling anymore. Because the list never ends, and I don't have enough energy to try and control shit that I can't.

It's about to rain. I just want to get in my bed. Sleep this mood away. I still have half of my groceries from last paycheck because I haven't felt like eating much.

I'm pretty sick of all this moodiness and what not, but what I'm really tired of is the fucking guilt I feel for feeling as if I have to hide it. I am what I am and what I feel is what I feel and believe me, nobody wants to be free of it more than I do, so the last thing I need is to feel guilty over shit that I'm trying my best to control.

Mmmm. Rain. At least that's a good thing about today.

good things

• credit score increase woohoo

• fees returned woohoo

-Rae