Glow

If I ever get into another relationship again, I’m going to find a place that’s just for me and no matter how much I love that other person, I will keep it for myself.

This whole city glows with our footsteps and I went to the cemetery today and kept on seeing the past around every corner.

When things end, it makes the whole world a landmine. Not only does it stain the places you’ve been, it takes something away from the places you see for the first time.

But no matter how bright the footprints are, I can’t give up the cemetery.

It occurred to me that the last time I felt like I truly laughed was during that Livestream a few days ago. I’m pretty tired of being so fucking serious all the time. It’s one thing to be my weird little Darlene self but Jesus Christ this is ridiculous.

Serious drama afoot the other night @ At Home. Don’t really want to get into it here but fuck I’m tired of this immature behavior.

When I got home I cooked scrambled hamburger and watched The Tudors for awhile before passing out. Went to cemetery like I said and got some good shots- Jesus Petes, it was hot out there but I packed a bag of ice and did all right. Went to Trader Joes and then came home and did some other stuff.

I really don’t want to go to sleep but I work the early shift tomorrow so I guess I’m down for the night.

I feel like I’m just holding my past in my hands because I have nowhere to put it, nowhere that makes sense, nowhere that I can accept, no drawer big enough. I know I did not waste my time or my love but I can’t help thinking that it’s so wasteful to just put it down and walk away. To do so feels like conceding defeat, like writing it off. It was too important to be called merely experience.

and I have so much guilt.

What do I do with all of this?