I can’t explain

I read some more blog entries today. I find myself being supremely annoyed by my younger self, like I want to go back to her, grab her by the arms and yell, “CHILL. THE. FUCK. OUT.”

A good shake probably wouldn’t hurt either.

I cringed every 20 seconds-how could I be so vulnerable? I basically slit my wrists for the general public five days a week, and back then I had 60-80 visitors a day. How did/why did/how could I have done that? Have a little fucking dignity, for the love of fuck. And stop yelling in all caps like you‘re trailer trash.

Just when I couldn’t take myself anymore, I stumbled upon a conversation I had forgotten about. It was between me and a certain other person, and that certain other person was trying to make very strained conversation. I straight up told them that it wasn’t good for me to talk to them anymore, and said a very firm goodbye.

My annoyance melted away and I thought, “I still have that in me. I’m capable. I can do whatever I need to. ” It made me feel so much stronger, so much better, much less afraid. I tend to forget, you know, when the days are dark, when I castigate myself for how weak I feel. I am not weak. Even back then, when I wrote so frankly, when I seemed to have no filter, when I bled like a cut artery-I still had a smidgen of

self respect. Enough to say “That’s enough, boyo. Hit the road.”

But hell, no big fucking deal. I’m sure all girls like me who fall in love with whoever says a kind word to them is capable of that.