I can make believe.

In order to understand where you're going, you have to know where you've been.

I find myself lacking in inner strength these days. Per my last post, I'm struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions, and I don't know how to file them all where they should go. So, in an effort to remind myself I'm not that simpering idiot from 2006, I went back to 2006.

I may have mentioned that I have another blog besides this one where I write all of my Life Ruining posts. The early end of that blog comes from my old DJ, LJ, and MySpace journals. After MySpace went tits up and deleted everyone's shit, I contacted someone I knew that worked at MySpace and managed to get an excel file of all of my posts. I scrolled back to 2006, when all this trouble started.

Whew, I used to be so...exhausting. Reading old posts from a 21 year old me wants me to go back in time and shove a bottle of Xanax down my throat. I was so...spineless. I didn't set many boundaries, and when I did, I allowed people to kick them aside. The Rae back then never had guts, just a lot of grandstanding. I feel sad for her, and wish I could go back and tell her that she's wasted enough time on other people, that whatever she sows in 2006 will come to bite her in the ass in 2017. Of course, I can't.

All I can do is try to farm some positive out of the whole thing.

And the positive is this: I'm a lot more calm (I know it's hard to believe, but I was so ANGRY back then) and I definitely set boundaries for myself. My knees still tremble when I try to stick to them, but I stick to them. The important ones, at least.

Reading those posts (and I used to blog at least 3 times a day, mind you, so there's a lot) made me realize how blind I was, how fucking obvious people's intentions (or lack thereof) were, and I was so blinded by limerence. I'm glad I went diving into that snake pit, because I feel stronger when I realize that what I thought was a disease is really a cold. A cold I try to focus on so I won't have to deal with my reality, a cold I make out to be coronavirus. The past doesn't hurt me. At least, the distant past.

Posts from a year ago, however, still feel like someone kicked me in the baby maker. I guess they will lose their potency one day, and on that day I can scroll back to that point in the blog and see how much stronger I've been becoming in the background. Because I have. I just don't believe I am until someone tries to take it away from me.

Back then, I had no idea what my life was going to be like. I could barely see past twenty one, living with my parents, sleeping on their couch, working at Reliagene and driving that piece of shit Neon, back when my biggest worry was keeping the attentions of a boy who lived 1,700 miles away from me and whether or not I'd be able to buy a Canon Rebel EOS (a goal, unfortunately, I have not reached as of 2020)

I do, however, have one thing I'd like to commend 2006 Rae on. Back when it was bad, back when I used to love to poke at my pain with a sharp stick, I used to reread convos from a certain person. These convos had the ability to make me or break me, sometimes both on any given day. 2006 Rae woke up one morning, put all of those convos in a Walmart bag, loaded it down with rocks, drove to the levee by Monsanto Park, and tossed it into the River. I wish I could go back to that day and hug the hell out of her, thank her profusely, for putting herself first. For not being so fucking gullible all the time. She had no idea what was coming, but she definitely saved this Rae some trouble.

I also forgot that when I did that, I scared the shit out of two people who were getting busy by the levee and got chased by a half naked woman, so I didn't get much time to reflect on my actions.

I did that with Tyler once, too. I have a breaking point and it's very hard to get to, but one day back in 2003 or 2004 I woke up on a cold January day, threw all of our conversations and letters into a bag or a box, went to the backyard, and burned the hell out of it. I do regret that now, because it would have been a great piece of history to hang onto. It wouldn't have been dangerous, because I'm immune to the local strain. It's the foreign disease I gotta watch out for. I gave Tyler back a folder of his drawings (regret that too) and even though those rituals didn't give me much peace at the moment, it probably saved future me more than I'll ever know.

There are days when I ask myself what's the point in writing in this thing?

And then I find a reason to go back, and I remember.

Anyway, gonna finish up Big Love. Lord, these Mormons have a more exciting life than I do, and they even don't cuss or drink.

-Rae