do it anyway.

These days are their own dark rewards.

Last night Bryan came over and he and Scott and I went over to Total Wine to destroy his life. I bought a little jar of raspberry vodka caviar, which I’ve been wanting to try because it looks like the boba balls in that Rum Blossom drink from Pandora at Disney, and those things were freaking amazing. Bryan bought so much booze that they gave him a box to carry it in, plus two free TW glasses, which was neat. We went over to Bobby Hebert’s to get some food and had to wait awhile in the car for a table. Once we got in there, we annihilated allll the pasta and reminisced about old 90’s snacks. We didn’t get out of there until 10:30ish. Hung out at my place for awhile and then everyone went to bed/went home. Did not want to get out of there this AM. Apparently I was yelling at Scott the night before in my sleep and I don’t remember it, which is amusing.

There are plans afoot but I’m too afraid to jinx them right now so mum’s the word, ya herd?

Today is the slowest day ever. This clock is moving so grudgingly.

Suann Laqueur really needs to write some more books. It’s like free therapy. I wish November was here so I could read RP2. Kind of want to reserve my copy. If I go get it from B&N I’d probably just sit right there and devour it. It freaks me out that most of the readers in my family lose interest in reading as they get older-I hope I never stop reading books.

I think I’ve formed sort of an Oh Duh! Theory as to why I can’t let go of things easily. I’ve never been good at it but it definitely got even worse after high school and Tyler, and as time went on and I began to take pictures, I guess my brain attaches all outside influences, moments, experiences, and heartaches the way it catalogs my pictures. To me, letting go of something is like throwing my hard drive into the fire. My brain won’t let go of the thing and keep the memories because I am hard-wired to KEEP EVERYTHING. Even if hurts, even if it burns, even if it gets in the way of living my life. I always get in my own way. It’s a clumsy theory, but can’t be dismissed.

I was rereading some more Laqueur, A Charm of Finches, and in it, this boy named Geno gets horribly, horribly sexually assaulted. I mean, like, held for two days, chained to a bed, pumped full of Viagra, and raped against his will because his twin brother sold him out. I know, I read some charming shit, don’t I? Well, he gets out of the hospital and goes about his life with it weighing him down but finally he can’t take anymore and he snaps, ends up in a group home. One of the main characters of the book is his therapist, and they develop a bond. I won’t go into all of his healing processes and everything, but one of the things his therapist, Stef, says to him at the end of his therapy is: “Yes, I know you’re afraid. Can you be afraid, and do it anyway?”

Can you be afraid

And do it anyway?

Seeing as though Geno’s a fictional character and his troubles are too, I suppose it sounds all nice and clean on paper. Brave. It’s easy to write bravery. Anyone can be Iron Man, Wonder Woman, Robin. Then again, Suann Laqueur didn’t invent the horrors of sex trafficking, which is alive and well and there’s many Genos out there who probably wake up in the morning wondering if they can do it even if they’re afraid. One of the parts of the book that made me angry is that he called up a Rape Hotline and started to tell the rep on the other end what had happened. The kid is clearly breaking down, and she interrupts him and says, “Look, I’m here to help people with real problems, you sick, perverted freak.”

And then she hangs up.

It’s very frustrating when you can’t maim an imaginary character.

I guess, my point is-even though he’s imaginary, I know there are others out there who have way, way, WAY worse problems than I do. Their demons will trample mine, any time, any day, any hour, and some of them still have the balls to get on their feet and get with it. I also know that there are times to stand and there are times when you must sit quietly and gather the will and the strength and fortitude to do so. It doesn’t happen overnight.

So yes, I can be afraid, and still do it.

But there’s no time limit on when.

-Rae