Covered in chocolate

I know I’m not Miss Susie Sunshine.

I know I’m cynical, paranoid, grossed out by corniness and tend to believe in the reality of things because I wholeheartedly believe in the power of knowing what’s coming for you and not fooling yourself about it.

It’s cost me the affection and the patience of a few exes.

Over the past few months I’ve been accused (more than once) about not being a romantic. I know I am somewhere deep down. I am a writer. I will read the same passage/book over and over if it has a well-written love story or reconciliation, and when I can get around to tricking my muses into letting me write, well, it’s all a bunch of romantic bullshit more suited to a swoony sixteen year old writing her first fics on fanfiction.net. I’ve spent the past ten years of my life with a logical and pragmatic man. I didn’t realize how much of that rubbed off on me until I was on my own. Don’t get me wrong-I am immensely grateful for the fact that I don’t fall apart as easily. I’ve been begging that useless thing up there for a dose of logical reasoning for years, and that thing finally gave me some. Of course, it took my heart being broken and my relationship ending because some punk upstairs got bored and decided to be petty, but I finally got it.

And now sometimes I feel I’m too pragmatic.

I know all of this.

But at my very center, I still believe (perhaps quite foolishly) that what is meant for you will come to you. Maybe that’s just idiocy and wishful thinking from my inner sixteen year old, but I can’t get at that belief to destroy it. It’s dug deep in me, like a love drunk tick. Even if I wanted to destroy it for the sake of my mental well being, I have to believe in something, because God (to me, right now) is useless. I‘ve lost a lot of ideals and faith over the course of adulthood, but this is all I have left. Believe me, I’ve tried to find the source of this idea and neatly remove it, but I can’t. It’s like...something else is believing it for me. Much like life support, or a ventilator. I can‘t do it on my own, but something is in there, keeping that ideal breathing.

I do not believe that I’m strong or brave. I believe that I have no choice.

But I do believe that what you’re meant for, the universe will hold for you.