breathe in and get a bit higher

So the job's not that bad right now. Mostly people just wanting to set up virtual visits and older people who don't understand how technology works. This is going to spoil me; going back to work is going to suck.

Got my Trump money and paid off some debt, after my shift is over I'm going to go to Walmart and get a few things. Bought a new steam cleaner. My damn blinds fell down again, not in the mood to deal with that right now, will have to figure out a way to get them back up by myself.

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything that happened yesterday and my brain wants to shut down but I can't afford to do it so I guess I'm going to pour myself into my story and live in that world for awhile if I can and read everything I can get my hands on.

I keep reading all these books like I'm going to find the answers to why everything is happening like this, what's happening to me and what I can do to stop this path of destruction I seem to be on. In my weird little brain I keep thinking, "If I stay still and quiet, nothing can happen, I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not hurting anyone."

If I stay solitary and stand alone, I will be fine. If I depend on A, I could fall down the rabbit hole, but at least I'm not hurting anyone.

I think this quarantine COVID shit is making things seem a lot worse than what they are and I have to remind myself that now that I'm working from home I have to get out to safe places in order to release the pressure. I have to get back into photography. I have to do something besides sit in here and rot in shoulda coulda wouldas.

But more importantly, I have to stay quiet. Solitary. An island.

-Rae