Stop

My brain is throwing a massive Worry Party in my head right now. It‘s making me nauseous.

I am worrying about an interaction at work and though I keep telling myself that it’ll be fine, the sadist that’s currently at the wheel keeps on stacking all the evidence against me. I didn’t even start worrying about it until I took my 2/3 bath of the night and since then I’ve been slinking around my apartment like every movement is being watched.

I can’t read anything or watch any TV or try to pack or get things together for the trip because all I can think about is going to work tomorrow and getting in trouble, which I don’t even think there would be a reason to get in trouble and how I’m going to spend 6:30-4:15 as a nervous wreck, waiting for something that probably wouldn’t even happen but my brain is deathly adamant that I freak out over this. I’ve tried everything I know of to shut it up and it still won’t work. It feels like a fuckton of angry seagulls attacking me and I can’t find shelter because my feet are glued to the floor.

For some fucked up reason my head keeps telling me that if I worry about this endlessly, then what I fear will not come to pass. If I treat it like it is, nothing, then I will be unprepared for it if it does.

There’s a scene in the movie Clockwork Orange where the lead character is undergoing behavior modification. They strap him down to a chair and basically stick metal prods in his eyelids so that he is forced to watch something on TV that terrifies him. That’s what I feel my brain is doing to me right now-holding me down and making me run through every worst case scenario there is.

I feel like I’m losing my shit.