sail

35 days.

So much is concentrated on the shoulders of this trip that I'm starting to wonder if it will be crushed under its own expectations, but I have to keep reminding myself that it is what you make it, and I intend to make it as best as I can.

When it rains it downright fucking hurricanes, since Jack has been having a rough time of it again, and I can't live with knowing that he's miserable, so I made an appointment with the vet that Holly works for for Monday. To say that I'm a nervous wreck would not do it justice, but the alternative is being a shitty Mom, and I haven't been great to Jack. At least, not as great as I'd like to be. It occurred to me today that Jack is thirteen years old. I got Jack about two or three days after I broke up with Rodney, and he was a great source of comfort when you know who blew town. If something happens to him, I am incapable of describing what it will do to me. Jack is my only true constant. He has seen me through many ups and downs andddddd fuck me he just fell out of the chair and hit the wall...fucking xanax.

just have to make sure we make it until Monday. It'll take a little bite out of my Disney fund but Jack is more important than Disney. At least Sid is helping me out with it.

I am proud of myself for getting everything accomplished the way I needed it to, and 35 days early.  When Scott and I went to Academy on Sunday I deliberated about buying a Yeti rambler, but it's hard for me to justify spending $30 on a fucking cup. I don't know; it depends on Jack and his meds and his procedure. Yeti cups are not a need. I do kind of want a new shirt for Kevin Smith, but, also not a need. Autum's birthday is Friday. Not sure what we are doing.

I also took a leap of faith and submitted one of my writings to an online site, a quite personal one, too. Not ready to reveal what that site is, but it feels good to take these little leaps, like I'm 3D printing a new Rae. I am enjoying seeing all these new parts of myself, but I don't want to leave too much behind-too much structural damage, and the whole thing falls apart. 

New Rae likes fancy cheese, cheap wine, takes leaps blindly but not foolishly. New Rae has formulated boundaries, and is getting better at taking things one at a time. New Rae has also learned how to trick the fuck out of a BCBS automated system, which is a lot like getting drunk, taking your contacts out, and wandering around a maze in the middle of an ohfuckstorm. New Rae likes glitter and makes her own pepperoni roll-ups and goes after what she wants.

The problem is that New Rae still doesn't know what she wants.

But that's okay.

She's still taking shape.

-Rae