Phew

That last post was pathetic. Like, really.

I edited that thing until 3am but it still reads like I’m some sort of self- involved, spineless victim, which I really don’t want to be. Bad shit happens and love doesn’t work out but there are worse things. Much worse things. It’s just hard to think about those when this is all I can focus on.

What I did a week or two ago, I majorly fucked that up. Covid or not there’s no excuse. When it comes to this whole thing, no matter how I’ve been hurt before doesn’t give me the right to hurt anyone else. Especially the way I did it. I got too close to something I was afraid of and I just imploded. In the worst possible way. I violated my rule of not making rash decisions when I’m sick or tired or upset. There is no excuse. I hurt someone out of my own cowardice and recklessness. Someone who just wanted to help me, even though neither of us know how. There’s no easy way to do what I did but Christ anything would have been better than that. I did it. It’s done. I don’t know how to undo it.

Besides endless apologies and regrets that have no effect, I don’t know what else to say.

I wish I did. I wish so many things.