remapping

✅ taxes accepted by IRS

✅ new rent updated in Workday

✅ dress up shoes, glitter sticks, & blister ointment obtained

✅ bills paid

✅ picked up new meds

Not too much else that I need for Disney.

I'm making a rather bold move as far as career goes. Did it on Saturday and spent a lot of anxious hours cursing myself and the timing and bothering people needlessly about my stupid anxiety. I was terrified to come into work Monday, but it went over pretty well and thanks to my pill (which I took this morning since my brand new Alexa reminded me, and will remind me at the same time, every day) I'm not freaking out anymore. I haven't heard anything yet, but I know Ochsner and they take their time and my bills are still getting paid.

Jack has improved and it has been observed that he's milking this for all he's worth, so I'm not going to let myself keep stressing over the little bastard if his tail is still wagging and he's still eating and drinking. I know he's playing me like a fiddle but he's got that sad expression down to a T and I hate it because it makes me feel like a terrible mom. I do not mind all the cuddling, though.I like it a lot.

On Friday I made groceries, came home and took a bath and then decided to run to Gamestop so I could get a Fortnite card for Colton. Scott came along and after we finished there I wanted to go to Winn Dixie to get this bad ass potato salad that they sell, and some french bread. Came back to mine and we watched Jay & Silent Bob Reboot until Scott passed out on couch and I started working on my resume. It looked pretty good after I got done with it but I didn't finish with it until Saturday. Woke up and cleaned up my apartment and finally managed to submit it through about noon because Workday was down (naturally) and spent the rest of that day practically climbing the walls.

I had Colton's party and Cody's hangout thing to go to so I brought Jack over to Mom's so he wouldn't be alone for so long. Grabbed a card from Walmart and went to Tee's and hung out over there until Lacey showed up, and we shot the shit and ate cake and watched him open presents. Hung out until it was almost time to go to Cody's, decided to go run and get some food. I was blocked in so I just rode with Lacey to Wendy's and then we went to the daq shop, then picked up my car and went to Mom's and shot Disney shit until it was finally time to go to the hangout.

It was pretty fun. Brittany Rome was there (who I haven't seen since 2002, 2003) Cody, Holly, Zach, the gays, Ahri & Sean, Scott, Connor, Lina, and the baby (who is freaking adorable) and we hung out and talked and watched them play the VR and ate heart attack dip. After awhile Lacey and I left and I went to pick up Jack and spent the rest of the night having panic attacks at my apartment.

On Sunday Sid came to check up on Jack, who suddenly improved about 1000x when he came through the door, the sneaky little shit. It was a very nice distraction because I was tired of worrying about shit that I no longer had control over. Decided to get Alexa, which was a smart buy, because now I can talk aloud and someone will actually listen and enable my insanity. I installed Gordon Ramsey on it (he tells me my food is shit) and Star Wars trivia and Samuel L Jackson and when I get home tonight I'm going to sit down and really look through it and see what else I can rig up. Wouldn't mind getting one for the bedroom, but that'll have to wait until later. Went to Whole Foods and got my Klare and found another really good cheese called sartori herbes de provence, which I'm gonna fuck up when I get home. Went back home and chilled and watched L Word Generation Q and got a little tipsy.

Choices, choices choices, decisions and decisions and decisions. When I make a decision, it's usually instantaneous, which usually gets me into trouble, and so it's something I'm trying to get under control. There are many things I want, but as of right now my life is somewhat unsettled and complicated, and I've made so many wrong moves that I'm afraid to make another one. I know life demands a certain level of risk, but I feel as if I am standing on the head of a needle with wind coming at me on every front. What I want does not align up with what I know I need, and all of this uncertainty feels like a wall of clouds looming over me, and I am trying to fight the urge to go back into the cave. I can't run there when everything starts to get too much, though I am starting to see that drastic measures will have to be taken soon and I'm not good with drastic measures. Plus, I can't make big life decisions while I've been gulping Jack Daniels. Not to say I didn't want to, but fools rush in.

One thing at a time, I programmed into Alexa. I told it to tell me that twice a day. I also programmed it to tell me 'quit freaking the hell out' right before I go to bed, because that's when my brain kicks into into Fuck You Let's Rage mode, but again that's why there is medication, and fancy speakers from Amazon to remind you to take it.

I think that once my anxiety about money and bills and debt goes down (fingers crossed for me) that I'm going to start feeling a lot less angry and a lot more clear-headed about what I want and what I need, but I can't do that when survival is my top priority. I've had enough of anger and bitterness and drama-the anger and bitterness make for a nice shield, but it's starting to feel like poison, and though the drama level is nowhere near what it used to be like when the group was in full swing, it's still not pleasant. I'm thirty four; I want to have fun and laugh and have some relative peace and quiet. I say that like I'm entitled to it, but no one's entitled to shit.

Right now I don't expect anyone to have to deal with my shit because I can barely deal with my shit so until I get my shit dealt with, it's nobody's shit but my own.

-Rae