closing in.

Beginnings have never been my favorite part of anything. I like things to be foregone conclusions, completed, a done deal. Writing a story's beginning has always been complicated. Where do you start? Anything can be a beginning, as long as you fill in the gaps later. I'm always on to the next thing, hurry up, let's go. If I know I have to be at a certain spot for a certain time, I will show up early just to get it done and over with. If I know I have to go grocery shopping when I get off of work at 4pm on a Friday, even if I have nothing else to do, I am so anxious to be over and done with it that it literally gives me a headache. I've heard a few people say I don't enjoy the journey, which is true enough. I wear myself out so much by arranging the beginning to fall perfectly, I am usually too worn out to enjoy the middle. It's not a fun way to live, and I need to get a handle on it before I alienate everyone I know and burn myself completely out, which is becoming a real possibility if I don't take these meds when I'm supposed to. I have to accept that everything is never going to be done. Yeah, I can get things done, but there will always be more things, and more things, and even more things. That's just life, and I have to accept it. It's not a race. My brain is already trying to look beyond Disney but I won't let it.

I came out of my cave very reluctantly, mostly because I realized it wasn't possible to stay in there very long. One of the big reasons I went in (besides being overwhelmed) is that I'm itching for a fight nowadays. I don't care with whom, either. A part of me that's stressed out and angry and okay, I'll confess it, a little bitter-wants to make someone pay, and I know that's totally juvenile and irrational but it got to the point where all my pain and worry was starting to feel like permission, and no matter how much one hurts, it's no free pass to go around being an asshole to people. I decided to hunker down and waited until the Bitch Tornado passed. She passed, but there's still angry wind afoot.

I've tried for the past four days to write this entry, and I keep getting distracted by other things. For instance, Jack. On Wednesday morning while I was at work, Scott texted me saying that Jack was covered in blood, which is not how I left him that morning. He sent me a picture of his paws and face all covered with red, and I freaked out and asked Kayla if I could run home real quick. Being a dear, she agreed. I got there and it became apparent that he had lost another tooth. The poor thing was shaking and terrified and obviously in pain, and I couldn't stay long, so I called Sid and he was kind enough to drive all the way to Kenner to calm Jack down, clean his mouth, give him some meds, and walk him. Scott stayed with Jack while Sid was on his way and kept him company. After they both left Jack seemed to calm down but I was a nervous wreck all day. By 4pm the poor dog was howling for me. I feel like shit. Since then he's gotten a little better, and I've been giving him soft food and giving him dog aspirin and tiny bits of Xanax. Sid assures me that he's fine and probably just milking the attention, as Jack is prone to do, but I can't help but worry. Somehow his teeth knew it was my late day and decided to fall out on the worst possible freaking day.

In other news, I kinda got gypped out of my bonus this year, which is REALLY bad because that is half of my money for Disney, and their excuse is that the pay rate for my position went up, but I really wish they would have let me know that was going to be happening, because now my spending money got really cut in half, and no amount of over time is going to make that up between now and March. I got a 38 cent raise, which made my paycheck this week a little easier, but things are gonna have to change. To make matters worse, my fucking rent went up and they're implementing this stupid fucking parking sticker regulation at Sunlake, which basically means I can only have two other cars at all times parked at my apartment, and that's only if I pay them $50 for guest passes. Ridiculous as hell. They spring that on you at the last possible moment when you have no choice BUT to re-sign a lease. Soul-less motherfuckers.

So, decisions are afoot, and right now I'm at my wits end with everything else, so I am not in the best place to be making decisions, but something has to be done. I got my tax return and that was satisfactory, which makes Disney A TINY bit better, but since TaxAct decides to ream your ass if you have a 401k, I lost $120 in fucking fees. It was only after that my mom informs me that they're getting the tax program. Why can't people speak up beforehand? That's all right, TaxAct, you can kiss my white fucking ass next year.

I am really trying not to be bitter and angry. I'm really trying not to.

But it's getting really hard to keep myself together. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a whole ocean of worries and circumstances, and I don't get very far. I just keep getting pushed back.

Grocery shopping after work. Tee's tomorrow. Bringing Jack to Mom's so he's not alone. Stopping by Cody's after. Nothing Sunday.

47 more days.

-Rae