the end

The hardest thing about all of this is

I'm sitting on a bench

And watching that train

The train I've ridden for so long

Go by and by over and over again

And I can't get on it

And I'm sick with the thought of knowing that one day I'll just be sitting there

And that train will not be there anymore.

But what can I do?

What can I do in the face of logic?

Normally, I love crossing things off of a list. It has the same salubrious effect on me as cold air on a fresh sunburn, ice water to a sore throat.

But the lists won't stop coming. And they'll never stop.

There's a list for today, for tomorrow, for this week. There's a list for this weekend, with comic con and the baby shower. House lists and grocery lists and bill lists. There's lists for work that will never bring me any satisfaction, since those lists just repeat themselves over and over again. There's a list any time something comes up unexpectedly, a list for Halloween, a list for Renfest, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, for New Years, for Wizard World, for my mom's birthday, Autum's birthday, and of course, the monster list-Disneyworld. And I haven't allowed myself to see past that one because it's just too big.

No wonder I wore everyone out on the last trip to Gatlinburg, it's exhausting.

I wanted to relax this weekend but at 4am on Friday the TS woke me up. It would have been very nice if the damn power wouldn't have cut off almost as soon as I opened my eyes. Thankfully it wasn't the heat that drove me out, it was the boredom. No music and I didn't want to run down my phone battery since I had plans with Holly and Lacey later. I went and ran around town, continually checking the outage map. When I got back I cleaned up the apartment the best I could. Entergy finally said they wouldn't put power back on until the next day, so I decided to do the frugal thing and packed up my freezer stuff, put a hold on the get together with the girls, and went to Mom's after picking up Jack from Sid's. Dad bought me a muffaletta from Dorignacs and I used chat and read the Stand, had a pretty decent sleep. We had rescheduled our girl time to go eat brunch at 11am, and the power still wasn't on, but I wanted a shower and I had to go get my uniforms from home in case they still hadn't fixed the power and I had to spend the night in Luling. Went all the way to Kenner, grabbed some clothes and my dirty stuff, and on the way out I fucking saw Entergy at the entrance to Sunlake. I had to go back to get Jack anyway, so I went all the way back to Luling, took a quick shower, and checked my camera. Power was on, go figure. So I threw Jack and all my stuff into the car and went all the way back to my apartment, fed Jack, threw on some makeup, got dressed, and drove to City Diner, which ended up being closed, so we decided on IHOP on Vets, and once there I realized that the last time I had been there had been the day Sid and I called it quits. Not a good memory.

Nevertheless, the lunch was very nice, even though the monte cristo wrap I ordered was less than satisfactory. Ran to Walmart and came back here and finally got to relax, though I'm not feeling too hot. Uniforms and dishes are washed, though, and I made plans for Saturday. Tomorrow I'm hoping to Christ it's not a bad day because I no longer have Joanie (said goodbye to her on Thursday, it sucked) and I'm just not in the mood for a hard week. I did, however, use some birthday money to buy myself a gift-Kevin Smith meet and greet, a few weeks before we leave for Disney, and Sid is going too, which is awesome. I probably should have done something responsible with it, but fuck it, I knocked a fuckload off of my car note and insurance so what the hell ever. Seize the day, and all that.

I'm sure it was the stressful weekend and the lack of power and probably hormonal issues from my birth control, but I'm mentally worn out, and I'm worried about things I can't change, which is fruitless. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't stop my brain from making these stupid lists, and I'm afraid that it's going to alienate people I care about.

But I'm going to take a Xanax and pass out.

-Rae

-pay Dad plane ticket

-rearrange bills

-deposit cash

-delete Jeff Financial from workday

-stop making lists