Du hast

And I meant Every word I said When I said that I loved you I meant

that I loved you forever

Things could definitely be worse.

When I think of how bad I was when I first got to my apartment, the constant panic attacks, the isolation, the stress and the fear and the impulse buying (doing better on that) I'm amazed that I got through it. It was definitely a hard first summer, dealing with the light bill, but I'm a lot better now at stretching out my money, and not having Regions has been such a load off my back. It feels so good to be able to wake up in the morning and not check my bank account with that sick feeling in my stomach. I only wish I would have done it sooner. I never thought I'd get to this point when I'm not seized to death with terror.

I wouldn't go as far as to call myself happy, because it still feels like I'm missing something, but it's a damn sight better than going into Walmart and sobbing throughout the whole thing because I'm afraid to buy shampoo or conditioner. Now I just do what I have to do, and I'm making smarter choices about food because I still have some at the end of my 2 weeks. If only this fucking lady would hurry up with my fucking refinancing-I've emailed her and I called her Tuesday and she said she'd have it done by yesterday and nothing-no phone call, no email. Nanny says she's incredibly slow, but fuck that. Don't tell me you can do something and then pretty much tell me you forgot about me-that just means I'm going to hound you. It's not my fault you went on vacation and didn't have anyone handle your shit while you were gone.

On Tuesday got to see the advance screening of Jay and Silent Bob and enjoyed it-they missed one or two key characters but overall it was funny as shit. I wish I had the $200 to spare to meet him, but I have to focus on Disney. I'm really excited for it, but it's not easy to save for, especially with Mom adding shit all the fucking time. Also ate at Buffalo Wild Wings, which was very much appreciated.

All my bills are set up for tomorrow, have to go to Fleurty Girl to get Joanie a going away present, her last day is next Thursday, I'm scared shitless that they're going to run me into the ground, but my boss is great so hopefully I'll get some help. Then comic con/Tee's shower (already made enough Swagbucks to get her some presents) and then Dad's birthday, which I already know what I'm getting him and it's not expensive. The family decided we were going to pull names for Xmas this year, which is a weight off my shoulders, so we're just going to do that and then all get Riley a present, and I know I'm already buying him a Disney gift card.

As I said, I'm missing something, and I really need to start keeping my fucking mouth shut before I end up looking pathetic, but I can also feel myself getting stronger. Whatever Rae comes out of this thing, it will not be the same Rae that went into it. I don't tolerate as much bullshit, and I'm better at telling people 'no' and not just going along with it because I don't like confrontation. I'm also not as emotional as I used to be, and I'm figuring out that the things a younger girl might find attractive or appealing do not seem as such to a 34 year old. This has changed the course of my writing considerably, as it's hard to write about a desire you no longer have. I also can't wait around for people to catch up to me, either. Not saying I'm the most enlightened/mature person to walk this earth (I still laugh at fart jokes) but I can't be held back, either. I know from previous experience that it's foolish to expect everyone I know to keep up with me because sometimes even I have to tell myself to slow the fuck down (something I never did before) but I can't be held back. Won't be. I may be the Queen of Nostalgia but even I know you can't look back all the time.

Things to do today-go home and clean up, air out the apartment (love this weather) do some photo work, fold some laundry.

-Rae