that way

Last night I dreamt that I was crossing the Mississippi Bridge in the dark on foot with two other women and two men (did not know them) for reasons I can only attribute to the lack of common sense in dreams. Once we got to where we were going (a ramp that seemed to spiral down into nothingness) the two men tried to kill us. Being outnumbered, the men fell back, but they managed to catch one of the other girls. For some stupid reason I went back and got myself stabbed for my trouble. Woke up at 2am covered in sweat. Paging Freud, please.

Yesterday I was sitting here reading IT. Had just scheduled a patient so there was a balled up scheduling slip next to me. Started playing with it while I read and when I looked at it I realized I had a very strange and sudden desire to eat the paper, could actually feel the texture in my mouth. I threw it away before I did that weird shit. Lovely. So now I'm trying to eat non-edible things. What's next, running around the OTW parking lot with a bottle up my ass?

Doing a mad dash on surveys this morning and got a lovely email concerning my credit card and felt all my stress melt off of my back. I feel much better, though I am going to continue to do my surveys. It's easy money even though sometimes I feel like I'm going bugshit. Going to try and do something nice for myself this weekend to bring my spirits up. The Goldfinch is out in theatres (it's a favorite book of mine) so I'm gonna go and see that. I've been doing much better on having food to eat and for the first time since I moved out I feel like I actually have somewhat of a handle on things. I almost cried this morning, I was so relieved. There were a few paychecks there where I was counting change just to make sure I had food. Never want to do that again, though it was character building. I've gotten incredibly good at talking myself out of things I don't really need.

Trying to stay away from situations that are going to make me feel worse about myself. Toying around with the idea of going to therapy because I don't think that I can keep going up and down at such a furious rate, though I know all the therapist is going to tell me that I need to stop being paranoid and believing that my feelings of inadequacy are rooted in something real.

Downloaded the whole season of Chobits (the only anime I've ever liked) and good thing I'm used to subtitles because the episodes aren't dubbed in English. It's been making me laugh, which is a good thing.

Slow and steady.

-Rae