still standing

I've been fortunate enough to have many kind things said to me over the course of thirty three years. Sometimes from my family, my friends, romantic associations. A good deal of these things (mostly the romantic sort) sort of echo each other but never lessens the value of what was said or who said it. When people say kind things to me in a text manner I like to save them and put them in my private blog, so whenever I feel like I've had enough I make myself go back over and read them and remember that there's a reason to be here. To be now.

A lot of the things I save go sour, depending on what happened to me and the person who gave it to me, but I never delete them. There are some that never go sour because the rarity of them stands the tests of time and depreciation of personal value. A Hall of Fame, if you will.

I keep on going back and reading that text I got the other night. Over and over again. Sometimes I wish it were in Braille so I could actually touch the words, feel them under my fingertips, get my DNA all over them so they'll be in me forever. The text I got goes in that Hall of Fame.

Talk. Words.

Finally got my cloud light hung up in my bedroom and at night I keep it on and it flickers and pulses and I've discovered a lovely Youtube video called Hogwarts Castle in the Rain, which is like Ambien for the soul. All of this makes for beautiful sleeping, but on Tuesday night I dreamt that I was popping popcorn on the stove in one of those old fashioned foil packets and for some reason I decided it would be a great idea for me to leave that on the stove while I took a six hour trip into Christ knows where. Once arriving at this location I took a look on my security camera and was for some reason completely shocked that the goddamn popcorn had caught fire and was lighting up everything like China in space. I woke up sweating and terrified. The cloud was still pulsing. It was still raining at Hogwarts. There was no fire. I don't even like popcorn.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to snag a next day with my primary and forced myself to go. He gave me a very serious anxiety drug. Didn't even see me for all of ten minutes but he's a good fucking doctor so I decided I'd try it. Dropped it off at Walmart, said it'd be ready in an hour. Decide to walk around. Go and check on it, it's ready, but lo and behold they didn't have the correct insurance information, so I provided them with that. Thirty more goddamn minutes, so I went back home. Two seconds after I haul my sweaty ass up the stairs, I get a text on my phone saying it was ready. The process for alleviating my goddamn anxiety gave me anxiety.

Took it for the first time tonight and whoo boy it knocked me out like a goddamn sledgehammer, but when I woke up the cloud was still flickering and it was still pouring in Harry Potter's world and there was no fire, only the slight ache of all my muscles where tension had been accumulating for the past few weeks and then released.

There is no fire. There is only what my brain tells me is happening

and what is really happening.

-Rae