most of the time

Evidently my resting bitch face was so bad this morning that a patient felt compelled to pray over me, get emotional about it, then gave me a little book of prayer. The gesture was appreciated, but I wasn't angry or anything. It's a much nicer gesture to just let me be in the morning. I'm having a lot of patients not show up, they probably think we're off today. Good. Let them. Joan's out and it's just me.

Weekend was pretty good-went swimming Friday and ate at Voodoo, then came back and watched some more Stranger Things (which is pretty good). I drank some Jack while we were watching and it knocked me out like Ali. Saturday I got up and ran some errands and then came back and was lazy. It's just too fucking hot to be dicking around outside. Went to Brad's birthday roast, only me, Hava and Scott showed up, but we had fun. Sunday I didn't feel good at all and spent most of it on my couch, watching Boston Legal or in bed, sleeping. I barely got any rest last night.

I am very much aware of the ticking clock above my head. I have until Jan/Feb of next year to learn how to trust myself again, and from the way things are going now, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to. Not being able to trust myself is scary, scarier than living on my own (though I think I'm starting to find my rhythm) and the pressure is on to do the right thing, sooner rather than later.

In everything I do, there feels like there is something missing. A burr under the saddle, a splinter in my foot, uneasiness in my belly. I try to stay positive, even though every time I hold a conversation I'm wondering if I'm coming off negative in some way. Something is missing. When I'm out in the world alone, walking through Target or Walmart or running an errand. Anywhere I go, I feel exposed. I'm still used to having someone with me all the time. It's a hard habit to break. What's worse is when I do have someone with me and they don't want to go on adventures. Guess I was spoiled.

I wish it were socially acceptable to wear a button or something that says, "Don't do small talk" so people will let me do my job and leave me alone. It's in my job description to be nice to people, but not to have to entertain them when I'm busy.

Going read something.

-Rae