snarl

Lately I've been thinking about marriage.

Guess it all started a few weeks after tubing. A good guy friend of mine told me that he didn't ever want to get married, and I guess it got me thinking.

I used to want to get married. Never any kids, my mind will never budge on that, but I wanted it. And then time went by and things got harder and I came to accept that it would probably never happen. It twinged a bit but I reasoned that two rings and a piece of paper didn't make a marriage anyway. Besides, if we had lived in Texas, we'd be common law. What the hell, I was happy. I could take that.

And then things got really hard. Resentments grew and festered and suddenly at 33 I'm on my own, with thirty four fast approaching. On my own for the first time in a decade, thrown into a dating culture that's very different from the one I left behind many years ago, a dating culture that circulates around flakiness and thrives on miscommunication, two things I cannot stand.

I guess it's my age and the sudden onslaught of perspective, but I have to come to realize that I don't want to be someone's 40 year old girlfriend. Despite the constant needling from friends and family over the years, which made me extremely uncomfortable when it was brought up in front of the two of us (when are ya'll getting married? When is he putting a ring on that finger?) I had made my peace with it. It was everyone else that seemed to like to poke at the wound that I didn't know was a wound.

I don't want to be someone's 40 year old girlfriend but upon closer inspection, getting married seems more like a trap than anything, so where does that leave me? If our relationship could fall apart after everything else we have been through, how could I ever trust marriage? To anyone? I know you can't trust anything in this life and you just have to ride the fucking thing into the storm, but it just freaks me out. I guess women feel the sting a lot more than men do, especially in the South. You'd think after I hit thirty people would finally listen and go "hey! She must not want to get married/it's working fine without it, let's leave em alone!" but they never do. What made it ten times worse was the awkwardness after they asked that question, me trying not to wonder just what the hell was wrong with me that I wasn't good enough to take a chance on? Sometimes, depending who was asking, I wondered if they were thinking the same thing. Now I know how he felt.

And as I said at the end-maybe it's a good thing we didn't, if this was going to happen. Sometimes the universe may know what it's doing. Maybe I need to stop thinking that I'm going to be someone's 40 year old girlfriend (Which is a high school word) and maybe just their partner. Their numero uno.

Their #1. Nothing wrong with that. Did it for a long time, and was happy that way, too.

At the end I think I may have told him that if I were ever to come back, there needed to be a ring in my future. Upon closer introspection, the idea of that just seems worse and worse. Not because of him, of course, it has nothing to do with HIM as a person. I guess some things just don't seem as important anymore as the big picture. Whether you're married or dating, the whole fucking thing is supposed to be, "Let's do this shit together." And a correct answer to all of those nosy ass questions should have been, "We're happy the way things are, thanks."

Perspective. Ain't it grand?

Last Friday I was off so I ran errands and paid bills and was generally a productive adult. Went to the Lakefront with Scott to get some more lightning bolts for the damn game. It's still fun but I'm losing interest in it, they make it too hard to get spell energy. Ran over to Luling Saturday, then went to Walmart, then had to rush home and get ready for Lacey's thing, which was fun except for some drama. She gave me the rest of her finger sandwiches, fucking A. I murdered the hell out of them.

It was the first time in a long time I had taken pictures at an event, and damn it felt good being back at work. It was delicious to wake up and upload all of my pictures to Satori. I got a bit restless and invited Autum and Riley to swim. They came over and we hung out at the pool and made plans for 4th of July (everyone's coming to my place tomorrow, I hope we can snag a grill) and Disney. After they left I took a shower and put on my new PJS from Target (I love pjs from Target) and watched some Disney food videos. I've been doing a lot of research on what I'm gonna do and eat so I don't waste time/money. Mostly it's a lot of sweets and alcoholic drinks. I'm getting excited for it, though the next few months are going to be like a financial obstacle course. It's getting to be where I am getting overwhelmed, and the light bill is really stressing me out. I've blanked out all my windows and had them come and clean out the AC, but I need September to get here, pronto.

I've made it this far. I just need to get through summer. Just need to figure out how I'm going to afford the fast pass for Hogsmeade (we have to pay for that months in advance) somehow swing Riley's birthday (in a few weeks) tubing (August) Oddities fair (September) and then start working on Christmas presents, maybe see if I can swing a Christmas loan. I get paid 3x in October, but that extra $300 goes to Dad for plane ticket. Plus a million a half things that always seem to pop up in my way. I'm also switching banks because Regions is ridiculous with their goddamn fees. Tired of fighting with them. It's tricky because I have to switch over my Direct Deposit at the right time, or else I'll be chasing a paper check. Also going back to blonde hair so I can dye my hair a crazy color for Disneyworld, may as well start now. It is weird being a brunette again. I don't like it.

This morning a feral kitten ran into the lobby at work and lost its fucking mind, running around and hissing and smacking into the glass door. It finally ran out and an hour later it was dead on Driftwood Blvd. Not a good way to start a morning.

At least it's Wed and we're off tomorrow and I get to eat BBQ (yay) and hopefully my last two 6 patients cancel or move up. I'm not in the mood to deal with these needy ass patients. And tomorrow it's Stranger Things! I made meatballs to snack on but I don't think they'll be as good.

Guess I'll go back to reading The Shining and holding patients in contempt.

-Rae