mistakes.

I thought I got rid of you.

Banished you, exiled you, take whatever verb you want, but you keep popping up lately, and I know better than to think it means something, but all the same, it makes me uneasy. Deep down I want to believe what I see at face value; that you're really gone this time, but experience speaks louder than truth and I'm afraid experience is all I have to go on.

Reading is one of the biggest pleasures I have, but you seem to be in every book I download or buy. This used to happen a lot, and it used to drive me fucking spare. A friend of mine suggested that I was involuntarily seeking you out, but how could I do that, when it comes to books I've never read and know nothing about? You're not showing up in the world as of yet, not in street signs or waiters, but I'm afraid that will come sooner rather than later.

Then again, it's not your fault. You're not making me choose these books. You have no power over the countless authors who choose your name, no more than you had over your parents choosing your name. Still, it's frustrating. The universe won't let me let you remain in the past, and I think that's where we both belong. In each other's pasts. I barely have enough room for me in my very uncertain future.

In other news-Jack has taken to howling and sitting by the front door when I'm not there, especially when the time gets close to 3:30. I put his bed by the door so it's at least comfortable, but the fucking animal lies next to it. The older he gets, the clingier he gets. I feel terrible for leaving him there alone all day. Even with the TV on, it's got to be lonely. It's not like he has any toys that he will play with (waste of $, Jack considers himself above toys) and he can't chew on bones anymore, so all he does is sleep and sit by the door. Makes me feel like shit for doing this to him. I bought him some anti-anxiety drops to put in his water, but those only last for so long.

Tomorrow I see an MD for anxiety and hopefully she gives me what I need because I'm tired of going on like this. At least I'm going to get help, I keep thinking, and not sweeping it under the rug. I can't afford to let myself go, not all the way.

This weekend is Harry Potter Movie Marathon night on Friday with Scott & Lacey, may take a break to go to the Lakefront to get some more lightning bolts for the game. I'm off on Friday, so I'm running errands and making groceries and hopefully getting my AC looked at. Saturday during the day I'm not sure what's going on, but I know we have the housewarming party at Lacey's that night. Sunday is a relax day, hopefully go swimming at some point this weekend. Kind of want to go eat at the St. Rose Tavern but one of my translators told me about a Cuban place near Clearview that makes excellent Cuban sandwiches, and I'm craving one badly. I may look into getting some pork to slow roast so I can make my own. I didn't know you made Cuban sandwiches with orange juice. The more you know.

I didn't have as many groceries to buy this time around as I usually do so hopefully I can have a little room to breathe. I've been wanting to try raclette, which is a really amazing way you melt cheese for various things.

All of these new things and all I want is to share them, like I used to. With someone who's willing to share it all with me.

But I keep telling myself that this was the point. Perspective. Growth. Time.

-Rae