and in the bad times, I fear myself

Things are getting muddied up.

Too much is going on, and I'm mixing up dates and events in my head and letting people down, which I try not to do, because I know how much that bugs me. I am starting to feel the same way I did when I moved in, numbly letting the world crash around me because focusing on it makes me an anxious wreck. Still working on trying to take things week by week but the tires/brakes thing really screwed me up. Luckily, Big Easy Con was rescheduled, so that's a big load off of my mind. I don't want to get numb, I can't afford it, and I was just starting to get in my groove before this weird depression took over. And I had a perfectly lovely weekend, so I don't know where it's coming from.

I woke up on Saturday and ordered new tires, then went to the pool for awhile. That's one of the big reasons I really enjoy living at Sunlake-I'm getting nice and brown. Cleaned up the apartment. In the midst of cleaning up my apartment, which I do my best to keep clean, and pride myself on keeping clean, I finally really realized the necessity of what had to be done. It doesn't make it suck any less, but I'm starting to let go of the bitterness and the blame on the universe for doing it, because as hard as it is, I am beginning to see the things it has done for us. It was a good feeling, but I won't lie-I had to put down the vacuum cleaner and fight back some emotions. I felt a sense of guilt for feeling positive about the way things went down. At that moment it felt like a jab of disloyalty to the ten years we spent together, although I know he wouldn't see it that way, and I shouldn't, either. He seems to be doing better too, growing and healthy, and that's what I wanted.

It just hurts a little to think we are better apart, or that we held each other back from our potential. I suppose it's a feeling I have no choice but to overcome. It does no good to nurture it.

Saturday night was amazing because the rain was incredibly awesome. I kept my window open and laid at the foot of my bed and fell asleep to the thunder and the lightning. Kept on waking up during the night to watch it. It hasn't rained that way in a long, long time. Talk about feeling relaxed.

I wanted to go to NOLA to try that new doberge place, but I decided to save my gas and my money, since I'm going to need to do some fancy mental footwork to accommodate my tires.

Scott came over in the afternoon and we went swimming for awhile, then went to go grab something to eat. R&O's was out of goddamn potato salad AND ranch (WTF), and when we tried to go to Dorignacs so I could appease myself with a piece of doberge, they were out, too. Scott brought me to Trader Joe's for a peanut butter and jelly bar, which was good enough for me. Came back just in time for GOT, which, I think, blew donkey balls beside the part about the Hound.

All this estrogen flooding my system is making me fucking starving. It's driving me fucking crazy.

Last night Sid and I were talking about a bunch of different things, food and work and things we're discovering while we're apart, and that feeling came over me all over again so I decided to cut its feet before it grew legs and walked all over me. I just went to bed. Today I'm staying out of chat and just reading books about serial killers and hopefully by this weekend I'll feel like myself again. My check looks like it's gonna be decent so maybe I'll have enough $$ to swing a few things. After this Sunday I'm immediately cutting off HBO. It'll suck not being able to watch GOT whenever I want it, but I guess I'm just gonna have to save up some $ so I can buy the seasons on Apple TV. That is not a priority right now. My priorities are tires, brakes, and Jack haircut.

-Rae