no.3

When I can't control the narrative, I try to micromanage myself.

As I told my sister this morning, you can't control the narrative, the whole picture. Life doesn't let you do that. Life is a big pissed off drag queen cat and you are just Stuart fucking Little. Try to come at the cat like Leonidas at Thermopylae and you'll end up scratched to shit. Find a way around that fucker and you're never 100% safe, but at least there are corners to duck into, ways to outsmart it. Drag Queen Cat is smart, though, and outrunning him is exhausting.

I did all my bills and made it so they all come out of my bills account instead of my main account. Once I'm sure nothing's going to overdraft me, I'm yanking my $ out of the damn bank, fuck you Regions. Fuck you, Drag Queen Cat. Still going to have to do some creative rearranging to make it, but I'll do that when I can.

I don't know if it's just me or the birth control but I am obsessed with this tubing trip, I can't stop agonizing about the weather, the details, the time management. Tomorrow I get off of work and have to go directly home because Scott and Lacey will be waiting for me there, but I want to go grocery shopping so I know all that's done. On Sunday I will NOT feel like doing it. Lacey is willing to do that with me. Go do that, go back home, hang out with Chelsea, Scott and Lacey. Hang out until Bryan's ready. Go to Luling, pick him up, go to Walmart, get everyone's supplies, maybe go to daq shop. Come home, hang out, go to sleep. Wake up early (bag is already packed, pretty much) take out Jack, make sure everyone gets to my apartment by 8, pack up the car, get on the road, hopefully get to Bogalusa around 9. Rain hopefully stays away. We were able to move people around to where Autum can ride with me instead of going up there alone. After tubing we are supposed to go to Chimes, hopefully I managed my $ well enough to where I won't worry. After that I plan on coming home and getting in my softest pjs and passing the fuck out. Sunday is GOT night.

Today I have to go to the bank, drop something off, go home and vacuum, take a shower, give Jack a bath, swiffer the floors, clean up the bathroom. I reeeeeeally want to redye my hair but I don't have the time nor the $ to do it. I'm going to take a damn Xanax tonight, I am fucking tired of my brain doing this to me. I need to find a hose I can use for Jack, washing him by cup is no bueno. I need to get him cut, need oil change, luckily the company Scott works for has cheap ones and coupons. Something needs to give.

The need for total isolation after this tubing trip is almost overwhelming.

-Rae

If you take a step towards me You will take my breath away So I'll keep you close And keep my secret safe

No one else has ever loved me No one else has ever tried I never understood How much I could take