Confusion

When we sat next to each other at the movie theater, it occurred to me that it felt almost the same way as it did when we were together. At least, for the last few months. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, but looking back at it now I can see all of the tiny glaring differences from now and before. Thankfully, that feeling passed, but now I’m wondering if this is what the universe always wanted for us-just to be friends. I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything other than the uneasy anger I feel about the fact that it might just be that way. It seems as if his life has improved in a lot of ways since we’ve been gone. As for mine, I’ll just say it’s in stasis. There are good moments, and there are bad. There are some days when I wake up and I am still momentarily confused as to where I am, and there some days when I have the best sleep I’ve ever had. Sometimes I sit here and I wonder if I made a mistake, and then I remember these past few months and years and remind myself that we had no other choice. My brain is like water, it will try to find every way out or around an obstacle that it can, and there was no other way but this. And here we are, spinning away from each other and there’s nothing that can be done. So now that we’ve done it...now what? Just because it ended doesn’t mean the loose ends aren’t whipping in the breeze. Just because we’ve said goodbye doesn’t mean it’s the final goodbye. One of these days, one of us, or both of us, may realize that we are better apart than together, if that isn’t already happening. I’m not there yet, but I wonder who will realize it first. I feel so exposed. I know this will be good for me in the end, but I really do wish I didn’t feel like a portapotty in the middle of a tornado. I guess that’s what this is all about-me learning to trust myself.

How do you just pack away ten years of your life?