we need another plague

Lazy ass weekend.

I've been racking up some serious Instagram traffic on my photography account. Which is good, if I could get my lazy ass to go back and work on the damn Facebook page so I could make some more goddamn money. I had a stinking suspicion this was going to happen-I was going to move out and everything in the damn universe was going to drop on me like a pile of anvils. I guess it's a good thing for my mental health...the world isn't exactly letting me sit around and work myself into a bigger ball of anxiety. I can do all that on my own.

I'm aware of how exposed I am to the universe right now, like I have no buffer, no skin. If something really bad happens to me, I'm fucked. I live in a constant state of 'I'm going to lose this apartment' and even though I tell myself that the rent gets deposited no matter what I do, the only thing I have to do is to not lose my job. I know also deep down that I have family and friends that would gladly help me, but the thought of asking for help is extremely abhorrent to me. I have to keep reminding myself to take it day by day, bill by bill. I fucking hate being this exposed. I have money saved but I really don't want to touch it.

On Saturday I mostly sat around. Watched some Love Death + Robots. Magic 8 Ball say...what the fucksticks. Didn't really move until later, when we had to go to Rouses to get some food for the Game Night. I don't have much patience for games, but pretty soon it turned into Sam vs Scott with a music video battle. When I left around 12:30am, they were duking it out with Poncahontas' "Color of the Wind' vs some Moana song. That was pretty fun. It was me, Lacey, Scott, Sam, Connor, Lina and her still unborn demon child, Sean, Ahri, Liz, Brad, Julian, and Julian's new gf (also named Elizabeth) who got a crash course in HCC Party WTFuckery. There was a debate about Siamese twins jacking each other off and if it is considered rape or not.

I stayed out till 12:30, like I said, which is pretty good for me because I'm usually ducking out really early these days. I went back to walk Jack at some point of the party and Lina came and walked with me and we talked about life so far.

Sunday I sat around and took way too many baths. The weather was amazing-blustery and cold and rainy. Did not want to get out of my bed this morning, even though I was having a dream about someone I really don't want to be dreaming about. All I want to do tonight is to take a shower and pass the fuck out. I am so ready for goddamn Biloxi, and I am especially ready for hot weather to get here so I can go swimming. I want to get as tan as I did last year, and I am really considering starting to go back blonde so that when I go to Disney next year, I can stain my hair purple.

I have to start training myself to be able to write at home. My brain completely shuts down when I'm at home. I try to write and nothing happens. God, I'd give anything just to be able to focus for ten goddamn minutes on something.

Right now I don't have much faith in the universe, though I guess that's to be expected. I know right now I don't see the point in much. Not that I'm suicidal, I just don't see the point in a lot of things. I have feelings, very strong ones, but I'm afraid. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I know nothing worth a damn in this life comes without risk, but right now I am at the poker table and I don't even have the courage to bluff. I'm cashed out. For now.

I guess I'm afraid to want too much.

in conclusion: boo hoo, poor fucking me.

-Rae