unvollendete

It is the little things that make you think.

The other day in chat, Lacey mentioned that she was interested in trying real food. Of course, this sparked a conversation about eating habits and food and the things she'd be willing to try. Someone brought up sushi. I always denied tasting sushi over the past ten years, and he always wanted me to, but I always said 'I'll try it one day' and never said when. Secretly I always told myself that if we ever got married, I'd try it on our honeymoon, just to surprise him. And when it became apparent that that probably wouldn't happen, I would go back and forth about just biting the bullet and eating a piece, but something always stopped me when he offered. I don't know if you'd call it hope, but I have no other word for it. You might think it's stupid, holding back just from trying something just so I could do it on my honeymoon, but after ten years, you gotta create your own mysteries.

I finally did try a taco (it was a soft taco) but I didn't like it. I am trying to be more open to things. I figure it won't kill me. I'd tell that to Lacey, but despite my urge to be open, I know me when I'm presented with something I'm not in the mood for, so I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Sunlake kind of fucked with me, so I had to do some financial scrambling on short notice. Just when I thought I'd be okay, too. Sometimes I don't know what I was thinking, choosing to do this alone. Almost four days out of the week I wrestle with this awful feeling that I'm going to lose my apartment, but I know it's just paranoia. I hope so,at least. I'll figure it out. Not eating out all the time is definitely helping, I've lost at least six or seven pounds. Instead of buying potato chips I'm making myself buy grapes and bananas. I do have a weak spot for the Big Cheezy, but Waitr is not cheap and I want to pay off my debts.

Though sushi to me doesn't look very appetizing, and chances are very high I wouldn't like it, no matter what happens, or who I end up with, I wouldn't try sushi for anybody else.

Tonight needs to hurry up.

-Rae