said and done

Ober-Gatlinburg-Chair-lift-view-1199x800

One of my old coworkers is in Gatlinburg right now.

Seeing all of her pictures is the most bittersweet medicine. We always talked about going to G-Burg in the winter, despite the traffic. Gatlinburg is magic, it makes all of your problems dissolve into the ether. The smell in the mountains, the hushed quiet of the forest, waking up in a cinnamon colored cabin to trees and hills and relaxation. A delicious breakfast, the heaviness of moonshine in the air, the alien landscape like a balm. That spot on the Roaring Fork we liked so much, the stream snaking through the wilderness. Waking up in Gatlinburg was the Magic Eraser, being there reminded me of every reason to hang on.

Driving to Lynchburg, the blueness of the mountains against the horizon, that cemetery on the corner before you make that turn to head into whiskey country. We always talked about buying a house up there if we ever won the lottery, goats roaming and that mountain air, vibrating through our swamp lungs. In Tennessee, you can start over. In Tennessee, hope is reborn.

All of her pictures fill me with lead.

Mardi Gras Day.

Any other day you'd be out there with a few friends, 190 Octane in your hand.

Now you sit at home and curse at Kingdom Hearts and eat orange chicken (your new dinner addiction...frozen bag from PF Changs) and get drunk on your porch at 2pm, even though the whiskey doesn't call you like it used to. You wanna take a Xanax but you don't want to sleep away the rest of your day off.

You try not to think about your anger, but every time you want to let it go, it rolls up from inside of you like a rogue wave. You just want this fucking feeling to go away-one minute you're fine and the next you're crying on your couch and all you can feel is this terrible vulnerability and you fucking hate it. The crying only lasts a few minutes, but it seems like days.

Last night you gave advice to a good friend who's kind of going through the same thing you are, and you remind him not to be so hard on himself, but who the fuck are you to tell him that when you curse yourself for how afraid you are? If you could just slap a name on the fear maybe it'd help, but no, there's no pinpointing it. Either you're numb or you're terrified; there is no in between and no end in sight. You just want some arms around you but you're afraid to ask, and you know that if you don't ask, you won't get, but it feels like bearing your throat to a tiger.

Someone who uses your love when your love is all you have isn't much of a human being, so you pull up Pages and you try to write. Somewhere deep down you know that part of your problem is that you have these standards of behavior that only exist in your writing, so you try to give your character flaws, so you remember to manage your expectations out here, in the real world.

But then you think, why should I settle? I am 33 years old, why the fuck do I have to hold someone's hand in order to show them how I need to be loved? If they can't do it, hey, that's their deal, everyone has a way they need to be loved, the right person will meet you halfway, and they will listen.

It gets fucking old, having your feelings used as excuses, as reasons not to love you, or to try. If you wanted a friend you would have just stayed where you were.

So, you hide.

That's the new rule of the game-hide until someone is worth the effort. And even then, don't give them everything you have, because you will hate them for it when they don't see it.

Of course, all of what you feel goes back for years, old hurts swirled in there with the new. Not everything that hurts stems from the relationship you just got out of, but none of it helps.

Nothing heals it but time.

-R

good things-

orange chicken is awesome. i could eat it constantly.

i thought I lost my PIN drive with all of my stories on it, but I found it in a box. Yay!

no longer needing liquor to get through the day.

It won't always be this way.

You’re not crazy or clingy or needy. You were brought up to love a certain way. Other people won’t always know how to respond to it, but one day, it won’t be too much for someone to handle. One day, someone will hunger for it. Someday, they won’t keep you at arms length.

You’re not negative, you’re just human.