morphine lollipop

Lundi Gras. Only have to work till 2. Alone. Not bad though, people are canceling.

Weekend was okay. Went to game night. They didn't get finished until around 3am, I came home before that. Some of the crew got to see my apartment. After I got back home I took a bath and got in bed and read You (like the Netflix show) which was good, better than the movie, and then time marched on and I found myself awake at 4am, wondering how I let myself get here again.

Sunday I went with Lina and Molly to the At Home store, where they had never been. They were in awe at the sheer amount of shit you can buy in there. Scott loaned me his PS2 so I could play Fatal Frame, which is awesome, even though I'm not going to be able to sleep. We went to that gaming store +1 Gaming, which I've never even heard of, and looked around. Ran a few errands.

After he left I took another bath and tried to read The Goldfinch again, but even with Pandora on the apartment just feels too empty, and my restlessness is about to drive me right up the wall. I have things I could do, that I want to do, like Instagram or write or put some more stuff away, but I find myself unable to do anything but wander around the apartment. Sometimes I turn a corner and expect to see myself, aimless as a ghost, floating from one unfinished task to another. I want to talk to Dr. Baig and see about getting something for this, it's not just anxiety, I am unable to focus on anything. Always kind of leery about approaching any Dr about ADHD drugs of any kind, but if I need it, I need it.

I tell myself time and time again how I'm doing the right thing, but the right thing feels a lot like I've sent myself out to sea with a day's worth of food in a rickety little boat, blinder than a bat. Other ships stop to help, but I don't know if I can trust their decks under my feet. My eyes can only see so far, I cannot make out any storms on the horizon, but who knows what can form?

I hate being in this stasis, my feet are being sucked down by mud, and I can't tell if I'm sinking by degrees or just sitting here. I know better than to think someone will pull me out, I've known since the idea of moving came to me that when I did this, only I could do this. There's a book out there that I've never read called 'the princess saves herself in this one' and I'm far from a princess but the title speaks for itself. This was supposed to happen, though it seems fucking ridiculous to give me something so right and then turn it so wrong, for the dumbest reasons ever. To take ten years from me just to say "Sike!"

I can't tell if my apartment is my safe haven or my prison. It is a planet without an atmosphere for now, only full of my own smell, my own breathing, my own body. LaPlace seems like it's a million miles away but I still feel like I'm here by some sort of mistake. I've said that before, though, haven't I?

Like today? All I want to do is start writing my story again, but I can't seem to do it.

I made a promise to myself, though-this weekend, I'm getting back into the cemetery. I haven't been since way before the breakup. Maybe taking some pictures will re-center me, remind me where I can go when the apartment closes in on me. I'm glad I went to Game Night but the desire to be alone gets stronger every day, and I can't tell if it stems from something unhealthy or something necessary.

People want to help me, I know, but I don't think they know how, and that's not their fault. What else can you say, really, besides 'it'll get better' and 'you're just in a transition period' or 'you did the right thing.' I know all of those things. I've been here before, I know the lay of the land, I know all the holes in the ground. Some of them, I've dug myself. I don't want to dig any more.

I'm just so fucking tired of this vulnerability. Dammit, after everything, and considering who I spent the last ten years with, you'd think I would have had a stronger skin than this. I guess this is what is going to help me grow one, but at what expense? What will I have to lose before I lose everything else?

-Rae