this way

Going on a mental vacation of sorts, I suppose.

I don't know if it is hormones or stress but I need some time to be kind to myself. Need to get back into writing my story because when I'm doing that, nothing and no one else can through to me. I need to feel safe again. I'm tired of this terror that creeps up on me and I have no name for it. I'm even more tired of the fact that I wish for someone to hold me while it passes, because right now I just have me. Yes, I have friends that are willing to help, would be there if I asked them to, but I want to make sure I can slay my own dragons.

I have been writing in my other blog because I am still pretty pissed off at that situation I spoke about. I was cooling down some (well, being indifferent about it, I guess) and then the person in question went and fired my ass all up again. This is also the reason I am going dark, because if I keep getting pissed off like this, I'm going to say things that they do not want to hear. That I don't want to hear.

I've been creating new rules for myself since I've started re-reading my old Livejournal. I don't like the girl I was, and I want to enjoy the grown woman that I am, sooner rather than later. I noticed a disturbing trend while I was reading, and that journal goes back to 2003. I do not want to keep repeating that trend.

1. Don't feed people your pain so they can turn it around and feed it to others through their own twisted lens for attention. My feelings are not a fucking tool for them to mock or to use in order to make them look like the good guy. It's too bad if they can't face themselves, but they're not going to use me as an excuse.

2. if someone doesn't make you feel safe, keep them at arm's length, only imagine that arm has about four additional arms attached to it.

3. The most important one-never compromise how much I love or how I love for anyone. Ever. Again. If they cannot handle it or appreciate it, they do not belong with me. If I have to hold back, if I have to bite my tongue, if I feel scared or nervous about confessing how I feel, then I will not bother feeling in the first place. Love is a privilege, not a right. Not just for me, but for anyone.

After these three rules dig themselves deep, I will be free of this anger. I hope.

-Rae