everything changes

Valentine's Day.

For V Day a few years ago he cooked me steak, got me a bottle of Jack, and a big R2D2 that says "You're the Obi-Wan for me" and though he wasn't the type to get romantic all the time, he nailed it.

When I was packing up my shit, I kept on looking at that R2 sitting on my bed. I didn't know what to do with it. Leave it? Take it? Put it somewhere in my new apartment where every time I looked at it, I see all the things that had changed between now and then? I had so much other shit to pack and to worry about, but that R2 kept snagging into my heart.

It's sitting in what used to be my closet in my office. A part of me wanted it, but a part of me couldn't bear to bring it with me. What happens to stuff like that after things end? Is his next girlfriend going to find it, a relic of us, and toss it out? I don't want to know what becomes of it. I want to remember how good it felt to walk into my office and see it waiting for me, but then I remember that all the R2s in the world couldn't have prevented this, and I get pissed all over again.

I've been working a lot of over time, and on my long days I have to rush back to the apartment and let Jack out, since he's barricaded in my kitchen by boxes and 10 hours is a long time to have to expect him to hold it, though he's doing well and hasn't messed in the apartment as far as I can tell.

The apartment still feels alien to me, as if I've been abducted from the life I knew and dropped ungracefully into this one. All my stuff is there, but I still don't know how I got here, and I can't turn back. I haven't gotten much packing undone; I'm exhausted when I get home, and all I do is eat a sandwich, take a bath, take Jack out, and lie down. I try to spend as little time thinking as possible, but of course, there's too much to think about, and too much to do.

I know that sooner or later, once I get everything set up, this place will be like home to me, but right now, it's just 'the apartment'. After I take my bath and go sit on my couch, I try to watch TV but it still feels like a big joke, like any minute I'm going to wake up and I'll be in LaPlace and Optimus will be snoring and all my shit is where it's supposed to be. But if this place isn't home, and LaPlace isn't home either, then where am I supposed to find home?

To distract myself from being sad, I am still harboring that anger at that fucking bullshit from last weekend. I know anger does me more harm than the other person, but every time I think I might get close to forgiving them, all of it just rolls itself up and slams right back into the solar plexus. As much as it might hurt, I'm strangely and perversely glad that it happened, so that I don't fall into the bullshit anymore. Of course, they're not the only ones responsible. As for the other party, well, I'm perfectly fine pretending they don't exist. Call me petty if you want, but I just don't see the point in fake pleasantries; I've had quite enough of that. I save all of my real venom for my private blog, which is getting a real workout these days.

Of course, I know that if I don't let it go soon, it'll twist itself into hatred, and I'm not looking to hate. I have enough change in my life and I'm not looking to introduce hatred into it. I'd rather just leave it all behind, and when I say behind, I mean behind. The prospect of friendship beyond civility is not a likely prospect right about now, but who knows what's going to happen? Trust is out of the question; further involvement is up for debate. I put on my pants backwards this morning; I am clearly not suited for responsible decisions right now.

I have plans over the weekend, though I'd much rather sleep, my new bed is very comfortable. I'm looking forward to the next time it rains really hard; I can go on my patio and have a drink and listen to it. Dr. Baig put me on a new anti-depressant and raised the dose of my thyroid meds, so maybe I'll even out one of these days, but right now I feel like I'm drunk with one roller-skate on.

It is a strange feeling, to want to be alone

And to be terrified of it at the same time.

But as negative as this all sounds

I know that everything passes.

-Rae