maybe

Maybe it's just the Xanax talking (shit hit me like a pile of bricks on the way to work, fucking slow metabolism) but I am significantly more at peace. Still bummed the fuck out, but at least I don't feel like someone's thrown my heart off a cliff and I'm having to watch it fall to the rocks below. However, I am waiting until the Xanax wears off before I trust that feeling. I mean, today I sat and stared at the fire alarm for five minutes straight before I realized it wasn't going to do a trick for me and yesterday I went on a hate/panic fueled rage fest. Tomorrow I may kick a baby in the head. Who the fuck knows anymore?

When I get into that apartment, I am just going to sleep. Sleep until I feel caught up on all that I've been missing. The past 12 hours have been utterly surreal and even in my Xanax haze I'm still trying to take everything I'm feeling and everything that was said and promised and sort them into an order where it won't disrupt the future. Walking this new path of mine is going to be like slowly defusing a bomb, one wrong move and it could Nagasaki the fuck out of my life and the people in it.

Despite all the fear and the sadness and the anger (which is still there-dulled, but there) I am still confident that I am making the right decision. Of course, I'm not doubting for a red hot fucking minute that once I go, the problems that ended our relationship have a good chance of resolving themselves, and if that happens, it'll just piss me right the fuck off. That's just how irony fucks you, hard and without any lube, but I read enough books and take in enough Dear Abby and have enough experience to know that of course it might feel that way-when something ends, especially something like this, the reason for it ending suddenly seems obsolete, the pressure is off (hey, the worst has already happened) and the temptation to just say fuck it all is very strong, because the alternative feels like this, and nobody likes this. However, I know that to fall back into it because we're both hurting isn't going to solve anything in the long run, and will only damage things further, possibly irrevocably. We both have shit we need to figure out, and feelings we need to explore. I have accepted the idea that if we are supposed to end up together, we will find our way back, and if not, then that's how it is, and hopefully by that time we will have found enough happiness to where we can let each other go. We owe each other (and ourselves) a chance to figure things out once and for all, whether it's for anything that might happen in the future with us or other people. I can't do this again. Once I took out that loan, my opportunities for starting over went right back to 0, so I need to be damn sure that whatever I do, with whomever I do it with, is something that's going to stick.

Like I said, this may be the Xanax talking, and I don't want to jinx myself, but this is the first time since all this happened that I feel like I might be able to get through it. Make no mistake, I am scared to fucking death of what I'm going to feel like when this shit wears off. Though everyone keeps assuring me that I am FINE on money, I'm overwhelmed and scared shitless of how I am going to manage the first month and still pay all of my bills. I know, I know. I have help, I have money coming, I have money saved, Sid is giving me some stuff from the apartment, I've been working over time, I'm going to be fine. I'm just afraid to make one wrong move, and for some reason every time I try to sit down and figure it out, my brain just will not make sense of the numbers, and I panic. It just seems like I need *SO MUCH*. Do I pay for the bills coming up to get them out of my way until I figure out a rhythm? Do I take them from my paycheck? I figured this all out in the hotel room and I wish to Christ I would have kept it written down, I just need to do a spread sheet again. I think I need to get in my apartment so I have a clean place to think, at the condo my feelings and my boxes and everything else is there. Nothing is in danger of being overdue, and I've had experience juggling payment dates before, and I know everyone is frustrated with me because I won't accept help and I won't believe them when they say I'm fine, but you try sucking this hard at math, never having been on your own before, and dealing with the loss of a relationship-it's no fucking bueno, man. I've had Sid for the past ten years, since I was 22 years old, Sid who is better at this shit then me, who's done it before, who's older and knows more than I do and is more meticulous and careful about his money than anyone I know, Sid, who I could bounce an idea off of and he would be the one to tell me 'we shouldn't do that' or 'why don't you do this this and this?" Not that he would ever stop from helping me that way again, but no matter what choice I try to make, they all seem riddled with error, like I'm walking a very thin tightrope over a canyon named You've Totally Fucked Yourself Now. If I fuck up my first month, I'm going to have to catch up, and I can't afford to play the catch up game. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh, you have $6,000, you're gonna be fine." No one seems to understand that that $6000 needs to last. What if I get hurt? What if my car needs new tires, or an emergency comes up? "Oh, your Dad can help you." My Dad is very generous, but he's also got my mom and my sister and Riley to take care of. And more to the point-after everything is said and done, I'm going to have LESS than $6,000, and from the way things are looking, I'm not going to have much to save each month. I can't just go willy nilly, I can't just assume that I'm going to be okay, that either Sid and I are going to get back together or I'm going to end up with someone new-I can't just ASSUME that. So yeah, I'm scared, and yes, this is going to be a very valuable lesson for me, yes, I have pride, and yes, it's time to get rid of it because people are willing to help, but it's a hard thing to come to grips with. I keep on telling myself to just calm down and wait until my paycheck gets deposited, then take stock of things. I am not doing myself, anyone I know, my job, or Sid (for the last few days we have, and those are gonna be hard and sad enough) any favors by stressing over things that I can't HELP right now.

I'm just overwhelmed and trying to deal with too much all at once. I just need to get in the apartment where I can think clearly and take a deep breath. That's all I need to do is just to take a deep breath and take things a day at a time. Everyone is acting like I should be excited for my own place, but I can't even get there, because that feels like a betrayal, it feels wrong to be excited. It's not fun, it's overwhelming as fucking hell. I set myself a budget of what I'm willing to pay for the furniture that I need, and I do not want to go over it.

I get my new bed on Friday (awesome coworker, beyond awesome) but I am thinking about bringing a lot of things over on Thursday and trying to set some things up to occupy my head. Sid does not want me sleeping on the floor, so I haven't decided yet if I'm sleeping there. AT&T is coming to set up Wifi the same day I sign my lease, I decided to do it that way so I don't run up a huge bill on my phone. Kind of wish I could shrink my TV and put it in my pocket and hook it up Thursday night so at least I can have something to watch, but I'll have my books and I guess I'll have enough to do so that's not really a big deal for me. I just feel like I'm in fucking standstill, like I can't do anything or make any decisions until I have those keys in my hand, and that my paycheck gets routed to the right account, because Workday won't let me edit anything and I don't know if I did it right. I can't even order things because I don't have a mailbox yet and I don't want shit sitting at my apartment before I get the key. I keep repeating to myself-gift cards, Prime, Family Dollar, coupons, pick a date, you'll work it out, it'll all work out.

Mom wants to take me looking at couches on Sunday at that American Freight Store, she found some good deals but I'm trying to avoid paying out of pocket for delivery if I can. Then right after that I've got Lina's baby shower, which will be the first time I've seen my friends since all of this shit went down. I rejoined chat but I haven't said anything yet, and I really want to go back in there and talk to them, but I don't know what's holding me back. I know it'd be a good distraction, but I can't be distracted right now. I have to get shit done.

I have to go and scan or glare at a patient or something; the Xanax is wearing off and I can't do this to myself again.

-Rae