Shiver

Four twenty eight and I’m wide awake. I’m only here because by some small fucking miracle some kind soul bought some of my prints and I had some hotel points saved up from my work perks program. Haven’t done much but sit and stare at the TV. I haven’t written this much in ages. A good bit of these entries weren’t about my most current relationship; more about people who I thought were my friends and really weren’t, people who said they cared about me and really didn’t and were just trying to use me for my advice and my shoulder to lean on, people who hesitated when I needed them. Sid was always my priority, even when I was frustrated, even when we had our problems, I had history there, we had shared trauma, and no matter what personal shit we had going on, I knew he loved me, knew when everyone else would leave me hanging and sling bullshit, he’d never do that to me. It felt good for someone to notice me, but I never let myself believe for one minute that they knew me as much as Sid did, or that they would ever bother to try. I never said much about any of my problems, I didn’t want someone taking advantage of my vulnerability, I’ve let enough people do that in my life. That’s why I never let them drag me somewhere that would constitute a betrayal , because Sid wouldn’t do that to me. I thought I knew a lot of things though, and I’m still in this goddamn hotel room.